Eating disorders to others vs reality

An eating disorder is an addiction, not a pretty one at that. Tons of people out there believe it's easy to loose weight while restricting. They don't think it's hard. I went around my college campus and did a questionair for my sociology class. Every answer was basically the same just worded differently. They all said they restricted for a few days, and lost 3 pounds and felt great so they stopped and then put why can't they stop. The reality of an eating disorder is below

• Laxatives in movies: Person immediately has blow-out diarrhea, with much hilarity.
• Laxatives in real life: Person waits six hours.. twelve hours.. forgets about taking laxatives.. then has blow-out diarrhea, usually in a public place, with much embarrassment.
• Purging in movies: Person sticks finger down throat, daintily pukes quietly into toilet, flushes, and looks fabulous.
• Purging in real life: Person sticks whatever is available down throat, struggles to puke, makes dying walrus noises, finally vomits, vomit comes out nose, gets vomit and toilet water splashed into face and hair, snots and drools for several more minutes, flushes, washes combination of vomit and snot off face, still looks like a train wreck and smells like vomit.
• Fasting in movies: Person never eats, ever, is super happy, and immediately becomes emaciated.
• Fasting in real life: Person fasts until the hunger overtakes the mind, finally breaks down and eats whatever is available, cries and is miserable, takes months to lose a significant amount of weight because metabolism is dead.
• Over-exercise in movies: Person runs for hours on the treadmill, looks fabulous and toned.
• Over-exercise in real life: Person struggles to run for hours on the treadmill, stumbles with shaking legs for the last hour, still looks flabby due to muscle wasting.
• Anorexics and bulimics in movies: Severely emaciated, everyone concerned.

• Anorexics and bulimics in real life: Come in all sizes, usually of "normal" weight, very few people notice or concerned. 

Eating disorders are not for fun AND they are not easy.  So many people think there easy and from exsperence it has made my life a living hell. 

Some even said they want to go down that path, I was astonished to hear that. Who WANTS to choose this path, I know I didn't.  The people in my survey also suggested that the people who suffered were pathetic and just wanted attention, in my case;  no that is not what happened.

People make assumptions and don't allow them selves to fully understand the situation. Which makes the person suffering have a tougher time dealing with the situation.....

On a better note today is LOVE your body day, so do something nice for it. Feed it, don't harm it. Draw a butterfly on it so you won't harm it. Do something that will satisfy it.

Discomfort with food.

The only way I can write this, is either while eating or after eating. Right now, I am eating tacos. It's my first time eating all day, and it's 9pm. I am stuck after my first taco. I love Tacos. The taste is magical, and it satisfies my craving. At first I was ecstatic, and was like Matt, lets go get food! He was shocked to hear that, because he knows I have been struggling. I am feeling disgust, and overwhelmed all at the same time.I don't really know how to right this, I feel ridiculous even thinking that I have a lot hate relationship.
  Since I was little I had to ask for food, most of the time I was told No. I had to ask for something to drink, anything in between. I was overweight, but I thought it didn't matter because my food was being controlled and I was being monitored. But then I started getting made fun of, and I started not eating at school, and keeping the money my mom gave me. It started when I was 14, But that was the only meal I skipped. And I had to eat whatever everyone else was eating.Which I never realized was a lot. Everyone in my family in morbidly obese, which also scares me. My mom used to say don't have more than two plates of spaghetti you'll end up like the family, with diabetes or overweight. Then My step dad would be like, continue to eat like that and you'll end up like me, "FAT". Which made my obsession with food go insane. So I ate every thing and anything. Which is when I weighed almost 200 pounds. So my relationship with food has been of whack for quiet some time. I loved food, it tasted great, and It gave me tons of energy to play all 5 sports in a day. I was still gaining weight, but it didn't matter. That's when I started getting commented on the weight I was gaining and said, maybe you shouldn't eat so much.
   That Is when food became my enemy, I realized that if I cut down my food and play my sports I would loose weight. But while going through this process, I began loosing my family, everyone was dying and people were leaving,  I HATE SAYING THIS, IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS! I needed something to control, So I started restricting and it felt great! I was so happy I began getting smaller, and the picture came into my head, the smaller you get the prettier you'll get. So I kept restricting I went from 197 to 143 in less then two months. And guess what No one noticed. I Started feeling ashamed.  I couldn't play basketball or softball anymore, so I stopped. I went and got help on my own.
   But I've been in treatment two times. I did well and food was my friend. Now, that I was gaining weight and I'm in college I feel like I have to kept up my figure or loose weight. I am around so many skinny people, it makes me feel inferior. So My hate for food came back all the way. Every time I eat I feel ashamed, and I feel not worthy. and So I don't eat. I am not doing it for attention, I don't like attention focused on me unless it's positive. I do it for myself. Which I know is bull shit, because in part of me, I want to eat and then the mental games start in my head. Since I've started college, I went from weight to weight, and it was getting higher, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I have been restricting like crazy. I only ate probably 1000 calories from Monday till Friday. Which your supposed to eat more then that in a day.
  I find it easier to do other things while eating so I'll eat it. My 3 tacos are gone, and my step bro gave me cake. It's still on my plate, and It's hard to even look at it. I want to purge, but I am at home, and people are here, so I can't. Which is a good thing because I don't need to! No matter how bad I feel, and all the feelings that are inside me. I feel hate and disgust. So there you go Kim, I'm not sure if this is what you wanted, but it's all I've got.

One step back, another foot forward

Eating disorders come in one size: Miserable.  

Everyday through you struggles you want to give up, but some were deep inside you there is a voice that is telling you not too, because you'll lose your best friend. Someone who makes you comfortable, tells you ways to make your self look better; on the other note it's your worst enemy, you can't focus, your ability to play a sport goes down. You don't want to leave your room. Your body image gets worse. Instead of paying attention in class your viewing other people, wondering how skinny they got. At least for me that is how everything is working at the moment. I have been writing positive affirmations of the wall, talking to people who are trying to help me. Everything has gone down hill in the past few days, I mean a dramatic change. I mean the thoughts have never went away, but the were silenced for a moment in time.  I have been feeling guilty after eating again, but I have not purged which makes me feel a lot better, that I'm not engaging in symptoms not matter how much I want to. I am struggling without the support of my therapist twice a week, and group twice a week, I grew fond to it. It made me look on the brighter side, I was finally becoming happy. Now I feel as if I need more, my depression has gotten a lot worse. And my anxiety is flared. It was so bad during my exam yesterday that my vision went blurry and I couldn't read the questions, I was one out of two who were in the class still, and that makes me feel insecure and not smart enough to be in this class. I've literally have been crying for the last two days. Tears are good and I am accepting that, I am finally letting myself feel other emotions. A lot of people are saying it's all in my head. DAMN right it is, its in my freaking brain, of course it is, but it's a mental illness not matter how much I hate that word, that is what it is. I am working on my problems once a week, as I try to get better.  I am opening up a lot more, and it's heart breaking. This topic has become very hard on me. I don't want to be one of the people who suffer who are in and out of treatment there whole life. I want the right help. I need a nutritionist or a dilation, and therapy and group settings, it will help me heal faster being around people who will help me. I want to be free like a bird, I want to sore. I don't want to have a broken wing. I am sick of feeling trapped. I want to feel like I have support were I am. I am miserable, and I don't have any confidence. Mmy body image is getting so bad to the point were I want to just wear baggy clothes again, because my stomach isn't "flat enough" Which in relitic that is what my ED is telling me in my head.. I want to be the girl who overcame her ED and became strong and helpful. Yes I am good at giving advice, I help a lot of people.  But when it comes to taking my own advice I avoid it, because I believe for me it wont happen. To all of you who suffer with ED or disordered eating, stay strong. 

 

 

loosing friends AND feeling ALONE!

 

Well, as I head into my third week at college, I have to say things are getting a lot harder. My emotions are every were, I feel like my head is spinning and doesn't know when to stop. I feel empty and lonely, I feel ashamed and insecure. I feel as if everyone is leaving me. I have a friend who hasn't responded to any of my texts, I have my best friend who I am constantly fighting with. I am alone at college. It scares me and I have no one to lean on. School isn't hard so far, I actually really like it. It puts me out of my comfort zone, and it's helping me pursue the career that I've always wanted. This summer I found myself relying on therapy twice a week and groups twice a week. I didn't want to slip up right before I went to college. Now that I am in college I am slipping up quiet a bit. I'm struggle a lot, with no one around me there to help. Because I'm used to therapy twice a week and talking about why I'm struggling helped me a lot. I felt like I was getting better. Now I get therapy maybe 1 in 3 weeks. And It is really hard for me. My brain is satisfied, it's happy I'm repeating old habits, but my heart is crushed. I am depressed, I only want to sleep and stay in my dorm. I am comparing my self to everyone and it's difficult. It's all related. My mom said it's because of the transition I am in. Feeling out of control, being on my own. This is what I was afraid of. Slipping. It's almost been a full year to wear my symptoms haven't been bad, were my suicidal idealizations have been gone. Were I haven't been isolating. Everything has come back, but the idealizations.  I have the urge to self harm, but I don't want to. So when I get those urges I call Kim. And she calms me down. Which I am thankful that she is there for. I am tearing up right now, because I feel alone. I want my friends back, I want them here to help me. I want someone around me who I can vent to. Who will help me when I fall. But I don't have that around me there. Which Is very hard. 

Losing control/ trying to gain it back

 

Anxiety can be paralyzing at least for me it is.  I am writing this with painful anxiety. My heart is pounding so heart, my blood pressure I assure you is sky rocketing.  I start class tomorrow, and practice, I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to keep my eating habits on schedule. Which terrifies me because I'm struggling as it is. I don't want it to get any worse. In my session on Saturday, my therapist told me she was starting a new class to help me improve my ed. It touched my heart, she said  I'm the first patient she has had that has had an eating disorder, and she want's to help me in anyway possible. It made me feel as if there is recovery at the end of the road for me.  So new techniques are going to be happening in October. I know I have said "That session was probably the best I've ever had". But you know what, the more you say it the more you know you are recovering. Which is progress and that is most important. When you're in college you have to worry about school, sports, eating and planning and relaxing and not being over stressed. Unless I prioritize I will feel out of control, which will fuel my Eating disorder even more. It's scary realizing that. No matter how much my brain thinks it's a good idea, deep down in my hear I am fighting really hard to not give in to temptations. I have so many ideas in which I can loose weight around this, and I know I can't. It's not healthy I will loose all focus on tennis and school. Which I do not want.  I don't want to loose that like I did my senior year of school. That really hurt me and made me feel like a failure, but then deep down, your health is more important then anything else. You can't function unless you are healthy. As  I get deeper writing this my heart is beating faster, and my vision is getting burly and I'm getting hot! Which means when I am done with this I need to lay down and take some deep breaths and relax. So I don't become overwhelmed. I also have to find time for therapy, because I'm moving forward and I don't want to move backwards. 

This whole situation makes me feel like a baby chick who's wings haven't fully developed, so she can't fly forward until they grow. If I don't work on this I won't grow. Which means I'll be stuck in the same spot for a long time. I have to practice over and over until I get the confidence to finally jump and thrive and be free. Away from being alone, away from being held back.

The real question I ask my self everyday is, are you going to get better to help others, but remember you have to help your self first before you help anyone else, so are you going to do it? Everyday it's a different answer.  I want to strive and fly and grow. But then I want to stay in the same position because letting go of control frightens me and makes me shake and it doesn't feel good. So basically this post is about growing and making the right decision even though you can't make up your mind.

Will I be free? 

Take it by day, recovery is different for everyone. When you slip start over tomorrow. Day by day you'll grow. Don't think about the future think about the present moment.

 

Change can be good even if it really hurts you.

I know I've been writing about my friend in this a lot lately, but yesterday and today are were I draw the line! Yes yesterday was fun until, Hannah, Ashley and I got back to the hotel. Ashley went and got her stuff.. Hannah was tired and I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with us, and she was like I'm going to be you and say Idc, about everything. That hit me deep. She was like you say it so here I go. I was like you're not funny, she was like I think so. I was like " YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT". I have major depression, anxiety, self harm and a freaking eating disorder. I don't want to go into public with you because people compare me to you constantly. It's hard. She was making fun of me, I was already super emotional because I have been struggling. I went to the bathroom and I cried. When Ashley got back we went to the movies. Today, she was rude to me none stop. Apparently her dad doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I said I don't care, maybe he shouldn't verbally abuse you and kick other people down. He lost all his respect for me because I got his FUCKING daughter into Adrian. If it wasn't for me, she would be at freaking HFCC. So I'm sorry I got your daughter into a good school. And you know what I could give to shits if you like me. Because for one, you think you're right about everything. You say hurtful things and you comment on things that are none of your damn business. So you no what IDGAF if you think I shouldn't be her friend. Because be happy we're drifting apart anyways. I'm pushing her away. Everyone says we shouldn't be friends anymore, and I kind of agree. So here are some last pictures of us. 

Unless she changes the way she treats me and her father gets over himself.

 Free makeover

 Supporting gay rights

 Being silly in the dorm

 Selfie

 Yay! new friends are fun :)

How dramitical I change from yesterday to today.

I've noticed lately that I have many good days and a lot of bad days. Yesterday was a terrific day and now today after lunch it became horrendous. For lunch I had a cheeseburger for the first time in almost 5 years. And now I am regretting every little bit of it... I came back to the dorm and took a nap, hoping it would make me feel better, it didn't. I was hoping to god that it would. I woke up feeling worse about my self. Hannah wanted to play tennis, so instead of isolating I went out and played tennis. My confidence went down even lower. I wasn't hitting well at all. I couldn't serve. I was just a hot mess. Then dinner came a long and I really liked what I had, the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about, maybe you should start cutting back on food. You're eating a lot and not working out or playing enough tennis, you're going to get freshman 15 if you don't change your eating habits. My mind just kept on going, So about 10 mins ago, I went onto 100 why to recover. And I read about maybe 20. And my mood is still down. I have been fighting tears for like the past hour. Because my best friend isn't sympathetic. She would just be like "Oh" And then go back to what's she's doing. I don't have anyone here to help me, if you read this please inbox me advise. 

College life! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

As most of you know I am in College! I moved Sunday, I am having the time of my life! Making new friends, EATING! Yes, I said eating 3 meals a day and a ton of snacks nothing is holding me back at this moment. Today My stomach was swollen but I fought against my inner thoughts and I went had lunch with my roomie, My bbf. Lmao I am enjoying my time away from home, away from therapy and just living a life I never thought I would have. It's an adventure I am happy I get to experience. Today my therapist called, I told her how well I was doing and her words of encouragement and hearing "I'm proud of you really makes your day. Especially when It evolves your Eating disorder. My days have be packed fill. Another amazing thing, I am able to exercise again, It's great! I love it. I walked 3 or more miles today, and I plan on going to the gym after I wright this. Starting this new chapter in my life, even though it's only been 3 days, I am still astonished on how well I am doing, I am having a ton of support from loved ones I met. My therapist is checking up on me, making sure I'm eating and doing things I should be. I am just stoked that when I did walk three miles I wasn't concerned on loosing weight, or how many calories I was burning :). It makes me happy, I'm sleeping which if you don't know, I usually don't. Even though classes haven't started and the stress and control will be out of me I going to continue to try and work as hard as I am right now. less then 20 mins ago Hannah and I decided we were going to take pictures, I was hesitant at first, but then I was like SCREW it have fun, and I did. We took a lot of pictures :). I like them all which I usually don't.  This post even though It's not anything huge, It is in it's own ways. It means progress, which means recovery is in my future.

This morning started out rough My confidence was down and I was a wreck, I wanted to call Kim and ask her for advice but I can't do that, I can't rely on someone who won't always be there, have to do it from friends and most importantly my self. I really am positive Polly right now. We're going to Chicago in a a day and a half and I am happy. Hannah is watching over my should. Reading this as I type it. WEIRDO.  Now shes like on top on me, messing around. Well Enjoy some pictures. Of the happy me :)

Working hard and being judged for it

I haven't worked this hard on my eating disorder in a long time.  It's been intense, I've been writing daily, pushing myself and challenging myself. Lately Everyone has been telling me "Leave all your stuff behind, the past is the past". But you can't move on unless you work on things that really bother you. Which I am doing, I will continue therapy no matter how many people tell me to get over myself. I don't want to end up like someone who will never get help with there problems, and drink or do drugs to feel the void. I will get help. I will overcome my Eating disorder, I will overcome self harm and suicidal idealizations, I will over come body image, I will overcome my anger towards others, my anxiety and my depression. I started therapy a year ago, I am doing much better now. I'm not thinking of hurting myself all the time. Which is a HUGE accomplishment. I am working on comparing myself to others, including my best friend who  I do the most. Because growing up I've been asked, "Is it hard to be friends with someone who is stunning?" "No wonder you have an eating disorder your best friend has the perfect body and she could be a model and then there's you, you can't even pull curvy of right". So comparing myself to my best friend is a big thing that I am trying to overcome.  As well as comparing myself to others because I do it A LOT! All I know Is that I am sick of people telling me I should be ashamed of who I am, because I struggle. Well at least I am getting help like you didn't. Which makes me SO mad. At least I have enough balls to get help.

So judged me for being brave, but look at yourself, do you do things you hate? Because of your past? Like drink to cover up the pain? I am not going to get to that point.

Stepping out of your comfort zone!

So my cousin is too young to understand what's wrong with me, But she still didn't hold back her advice. A few day's ago I had a reality check. She said " You say don't judge others, but why do you always judge yourself. When I heard that come out from an 11 year olds mouth I was shocked and was like wow. 

I went up north for the past 2 days, I had planned on eating very little and purging if I did. But guess what this girl did? She fought against her self. She ate a shit ton of candy, pizza, EVEN WENT TO 2 RESTAURANTS.  Which is all out of my comfort zone. But I did do it anyways. I didn't swim with clothes on beside of course my bathing suit. Cause that would be awkward :0.. Lol, but I did well, and I took advice from my therapist. I even had MARSHMALLOWS! lol. This may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but when you struggle with an ED you don't want to swim cause you feel ugly, nasty, E.T.C. But still. I even went with my boyfriend and I still stepped out of my comfort zone, and splurged in food, and didn't wear a shit ton of clothes while swimming. Going out of town with your best friends and bf is a HUGE step for me, I don't even like being out of my room. But hey If I want RECOVERY this is what I have to do. I have to step out of my comfort zone. I literally just didn't care this weekend. I don't know what was different, but it felt like I was actually happy. I had a reality check there as well. Everyone said I zone out a lot, and then I become depressed. I realize when I do that I go to my ED thoughts, and I'm consumed in them and  I just don't know what to do.  I only snap out because people call my name. It's happened once! So You know that's progress! Another note I am going out AGAIN tonight. Stepping out AGAIN! I am on fire these past 3 days.  Today has been a struggle.

BUT HEY WHO SAID RECOVERY WAS GONNA BE EASY!

I entered treatmeant a year ago today

Some people may say this past year has gone by slow, but for me it's the exact opposite. I was entered into an Eating Disorder treatment facility a year ago today. The River centre Clinic. I was 17 and put onto the Adolescent unit. There were only 2 of us for my first 3 weeks then I met my great friend. And then only three for some time. I was there for 9 weeks.  I remember my first day very clearly.  I couldn't stop shaking because my anxiety was higher then it has every been. I met with a therapist who showed me the food area. I was calm unlike others. Because As an adolescent I chose to go in on my own. I went and talked to some therapist because mine wasn't there. And then I sat down for my first meal. It took me a while to eat it. By the time I was done, she told me to get the crumbs. I looked at her and was like "WANT ME TO F-ING LICK IT?" Then I did, being the smart ass I am. I went to my first group and could NOT stop shaking.  I was scared. But who isn't on there first day right? The next few days I was literately sick. From the food, nerves and my therapist not being there.  I was soo scared. I remember the  Adults asking me how I was doing, and I ate with them every day for my first 5 weeks because there were either 2 or 3 of us there. By then end of treatment. I dealt with things I never have, I got to process the fact that I missed 2 months of my senior year. I was not happy with the amount of food I had to eat, I did not like anything going on, but it was the best for me. Towards the end it got tough because my therapist was diagnosed with Breast cancer, and I couldn't really talk to her. So I continued to act like nothing was wrong. I went home finally. I was there from aug 6 to oct 24. I did well for a moment, Then Ii relapsed, I was re entered on my own will, yet again. I was put in dec 25 the day after  CHRISTMAS! I went back in as an Adult, and it was way different. In these six weeks I opened up more then I did the first time. I meet some nice people who are here in my recovery helping me today and who I still talk to. My new therapists helped me a lot. I went from Kimmie and then to both Kimmie and Meggan, and they really helped me. I have been home since feb 12. So it's been 6 months and 6 days.  I am on my way to college in 12 days. I still struggle I'm not "Perfect" Because there is no such thing. I work really hard, I go to therapy twice a week and two groups a week. I'm not doing amazing, but I am doing well. Tonight at my group we each have a topic for like 20 mins, and I'm going to discuss this topic. I can not believe it's been a year. I am in such a better place then I was a year ago..If it wasn't for them and the people I met I wouldn't be here, or I would be in a very bad place. I'm thankful I found them. Were I am going to college if I struggle The RCC is 30 minutes away, and I can get help. But I don't see that happening.

Thank you to those who are still there for me and help me in my Recovor proccess!

You two have helped me the most! Thank you so much!

 Thank you so much love!

Thank you So much, You guys helped me through my recovory and your still here to help me this day!

I love you guys!

You need to walk in my shoes before you Judge me

It has been ten day's since I have written my daily blog. I have been deciding if I should continue writing these or not. I am only doing this because I need an outlet, because If I tell my best friend I will be judged.

Eating disorder-Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits (such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia as well as binge eating)

I have a very bad week when It comes to eating, I haven't struggled this much in 6 and a half months. I haven't restricted this bad in a long time. It started the 20th. Why? I ask myself the same question. I have no idea, but it's effecting me. I'm irritable and rude, and I am pushing my best friend away. At this point I am scared Because Almost a year ago I was entered into my first admission into the RCC, and I feel as if I am relapsing. THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN! I go of to college in 20 days. I will have no one around me to help me when I am down. My best friend doesn't want to try to help me, I won't have anyone to talk to about it. The only outlet I will have is a phone call to my therapist. Which she can not help me much because I am not there for a session. I am terrified to leave, because I am doing bad right now. I am scared, more then that I am terrified.  Today I had a session and I have yet to ball in front on my therapist and I had tears in my eyes and I feel as if she wanted to hug me to make me feel better. Today's session really put me into place, she has never been this helpful to me.. Over the past weekend the only time I ate was in the morning because they had BBQ food at night, which is a fear food of mine, which I haven't had a grilled burgar in about 4 years. I tend not to eat junk food because it has to much sodium in it, and that's about all they had as well.  When I came back my therapist was very concerned. She's not sure if I should go to college. But I am GOING TO SUCK IT UP! I need to get away, and I feel as if It will help me if I do so. I am pretty sure getting away from my normal routine and into a new environment will be so good for me. I am just sad that My best friend judges me, and will not do anything to learn about my disorder which I have developed over 4 or 5 years. I have had body image issues since I was about 11. As well as self harm issues.  And yet I still get judge by her, I am her roommate and this has to change.

 

 

 

Don't know what I will do not being around the thing that makes me love life!

Perfectionism

So my therapist has me writing 2 to 3 papers a week. These have been the hardest that I have written. The first one is 

Perfectionism- a person who strives for or demands the highest standards of excellence in work, etc.

Which Is something that I strive for, I have been working on it for a while, And I have been writing topics on it doe a while.

Perfection is something I strive for, I want to be the best everything. Needless to say I fail at it almost every time. I always want to improce myself! exp; excelling in tennis, have a higher grade them my peers, looking better. I understand that perfection is not progress, it's only thing you want because it's something you can't have. I strive to be the "best" version of me. Id my "best" falls short of what I want, Then I strive for more. Having flaws makes me flustered, even though I understand everyone has flaws most are alright with having them. Growing up I hated that I couldn't be perfect.  In this world If your not pretty or have flawless skin or a perfect body you can't even be on a tabloid

This is a part of my writting it's about 7 pages long, so I don't feel like putting it on here. 

Growing up I was never good with grammar or punctuation and I'm still not. Which urks me. It makes my writing poor, or something that's not better then what I can do.

But you know what, I'm not perfect and I'm learning to cope with it.

When I saw the Demi concert she told the audince that it's okay not to be perfect flaws make you better. And I love that, it's helping me cope.

I took this picture, and it was amazing.  She sang her song and she was like " I still eat McDonald's baby, but that's just me." She pointed to her stomach when she said that. 

It helped me! I am doing better! Thank you Demi!

DEMI LAVOTO LIVE!

These past two days have been truly amazing, I won tickets to go see my Idol Demi Lavoto In Philly, Pa. I Was so close to her, Hannah and I swore she stared at us a lot. I had a bast it was woth the 22 hour car drive there and back. I never thought I would see her. I want to meet her.

One of my friends Morgan made a shirt and unfortunately I got it a day late, but it's okay because I'm representing with pride. I absolutely love it. And If you read this I want to say thank you!

I am going to have a few links In this post. A few are demi performing live, I had such an amazing time. She made me cry! She said she is there for all of us who have a mental illness, and that's when I started crying. I always wanted to hear her say that In public! In person, and she did!

skyscraper live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYh-Jg741xc

Heart attack and USA live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJu2J46uyZM

Demi talking to the crowd and almost gets hit in the face:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chwC64wY8eE

Okay there are more on my youtube :)

This shirt is my favorite I revived it in the mail today!

qoutes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xnDi_TEUmU

My room is full of things to make me feel better about myself. When I wake up, There is a a big picture that says "All things are possible if you believe". Then on my door I have six qouates. 

1.I am more then a number

2. You're BEAUTIFUL, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

3.you may shoot me with you words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still like air I'll RISE!

4.No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

5. I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper

6.A scale will  NOT define me!

Then on my table it says on my food mat- HEY YOU, YEAH YOU YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

then it says BE your own kind of BEAUTIFUL.

Then on my other wall it says stay strong.

I look at my friends quote page, and read two peoples blogs when ever they post them, they bring me up, they make me feel like RECOVERY is possible.  My therapist has been in recovery for a really long time. She makes me believe in myself as well.

Like I've said before an ED has a friend. Mine is attached to my hip, and has been for about a few days. She comes and goes.  Just like me, Sometimes I am here and sometimes I'm not. 

Down below is a blog of my if you really knew me video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xnDi_TEUmU

Weight loss/ weight gain

There is a friend to every Eating disorder, Mine is very close. Some times she is in my dreams and in my ear.  She is in my mind. Sometimes I feel as if she's the only one who understands me. But I don't want her as a friend. But when It comes to her I am very passive. Which I am working on, I'm not really passive with others, I'm more passive aggressive which isn't well either. But with her it's completely different, It's a love hate relationship. Sometimes I want her attached at my hip because she's there for me, she tells me what I want to hear. She's everything I want to be. But then I hate her, she is mean and a bully and puts me down. It's not the type of friend you want. You want someone who loves you for everything, not based on the way you look or the number on a scale. She yells at me for wearing my bracket. "Numbers do not define me, FREEDOM. As well as my tattoo it has the recovery symbol as the B for beautiful. I feel guilty because I am struggling. I have my good days, my bad days and then amazing says. I can shut her out sometimes. With her, it's always an argument.  I have a mirror in my head, I don't know what I really look like, All I can see are the flaws and the things I need to fix. I haven't been able to see the real me in about 3 years. I hear I'm Beautiful, I want to see it. I wish I could recollect the memories. I used to think I was beautiful, I didn't care about what I looked like, I walked with confidence. Nothing was wrong, I didn't mind. It didn't matter. I was happy nothing mattered. I was successful. I still am. I am learning things, I am happy with some of the about me. I like my smile and my eyes. Which I didn't like before. I am shocked to say that. I am working extremely hard on myself, but it has gotten better.

Eating disorder

 After

It has put a toll in my self confidence, and my health and my state of mind, but do to the recovory of six months, I have gained 20 pounds, It scares me, and It is making my eating disorder come back.:/ I'm going to keep fighting.

ROAD BLOCK

The stage of recovery that I am is a road block. You go down a road and you see a whole, you can either go around it: think about going around it and then walk into the whole because you're choosing between two hard things: Then the one were you don't even hesitate you just walk right in. For me I am in "I'll think about it and then walk into the whole because you can't choose which one you want". The whole day I was restricting. Then I went to my work and got a sub. Then I didn't eat till 1am. Which Isn't well either. But I'm stuck in a rut. When I was sitting there hanging out with my friends I was eating McDonalds. I tried to call my therapist but she still is out of town. I really needed her. But instead of having symptoms I held it in and went home to come vent. So, Here I go. I've gained 16 pounds now.  And it's all in my thighs and stomach, which bugs me so much. I'm not comfortable. I'm going on a no fast food diet and all natural food diet. I can't wait for tennis to start tomorrow. I have two hours of that then a massage. Tuesday I have a banquet then tennis then group. Wednesday I have therapy then work. Thursday I have tennis. Friday I have orientation as well as work. Then sat a grad party then sunday nothing. I am keeping my self busy. I am savoding staying in my room. I am going to stay out and do things.

Today I had to leave my friends do to my eating disorder. It controlled me. WHICH it hasn't in a REALLY LONG TIME. I'm getting back on track next week two days of therapy and t\group. Then the next week two days of therapy and two group! I am going to get back on track!

Realization

  I knew this girl once. She contained a powerful voice that she learned to use for good. She strives to better herself in every way, everyday. She was undeniably strong, with will power and determination that nobody could manage to hold back, no matter how hard they tried. She was kind hearted and free. She was motivated and motivating. She inspired and found inspiration in the world around her; every piece of it. Her smile was genuine and her laugh was whole. She walked with a confidence that others envied, and a grace that somehow magically overpowered her clumsiness.She was someone you wanted to be.
   This girl had a past. A past that people were unaware of because they only saw the surface of what I just described. But she was okay with that, because she no longer needed to wear her pain on her face and her body. Her past was unimportant. In her focus were her future triumphs. Her dreams and her career , along with a life full of love was where her sights were set. She was striving and thriving, not just surviving. People enjoyed to be a part of her new life, but very little knew of how deserving of it she truly was. Few knew of the struggles and the pain that took place on this road to where she was now standing. But for the ones who were there, it was a sight to see.
   As she looked back on the road traveled in her journey, she suddenly stopped. As she turned around I tried to warn her that she did not need to go back and pick up that bag full of darkness that was so heavy that she had finally made the decision to leave it behind. But she did anyways. She tried to explain that she was not ready to leave those things behind completely, that she knew how much heavier that her load would now be once again, but that she could handle it. While I knew she was wrong, there were no words to change her mind. The road for her began to feel longer and harder. She was tired, discouraged. It took too long for her to recognize that it was the bag on her back that was weighing her down. But it felt like it had become a part of her. As her journey continued, her outlook began to change. This bag, although closed tight, was causing such negativity for her. The view on the horizon was no longer bright and colorful like it was miles back, it was dull and dreary. Drop the bag. Open it up and empty it to make room for all the wonderful things that could be found as this path is being walked.
   I knew this girl. This girl with a free spirit, destined to fly. She was a person who could lose her way farther than anyone I know and be able to find her way back without a map or direction. She had a purpose, she was meant for something important. She just needed to discover it. That girl was me.

Before

 After

Swelling/body image

Today was suppose to be a day were you spend it with your family, most people did. I on the other hand couldn't. Before I left my house, I put on my favorite outfit and it didn't  fit because of my weight gain, it left me in a very bad state of mind. I didn't want to be out of my house. So I went home and put different clothes on and they didn't fit either, with my eating disorder it sent me of the wall. So I put my big girl panties on and got ready to go to my aunts house. When I arrived I was already holding back tears. Everyone was enjoying there time. I was asked if I was going to eat. However my aunt said for them to stop and they did. I had to leave.  So I left. Right when I got into the car tears ran down my face fast. I couldn't hold them in anymore, I probably cried for about an hour. I weighed myself, and I couldn't believe how much I had gained, With an ED most freak out over an ounce or one pound, But in my fact I went from 150 to 162. That's 12 pounds. I was crying even harder. But I did that to myself. I still ate and when I did I felt guilty. I have been doing great. 6 months strong, the longest time in 3 years. I felt so horrible for leaving my family on this holiday. It was extremely selfish of me. But I was not going to break down in front of them. I was so comfortable in my skin, and it's starting again. It can't, I leave for college in a month, To play tennis to begin a new chapter in my life. I have been doing therapy twice a week and groups. However my therapist would be gone the week I need her most. My best friend is gone so I can't confine in her.  So I've been distracting myself by working a shit ton. I was so happy That I had work so I wouldn't have to think about it.  But then I got cancelled.  My mind started to wonder. It wouldn't stop. When my brother got home Instead of picking on myself I took my aggression out on him. Matt I am sorry. I didn't mean to take my self hate on you. I have been considering going back to rehab before college. For 2 weeks for a booster, to help me deal with the swelling in my stomach. I have to confine in my therapist and have her give me some suggestions. You know what FUCK society for making people feel like they have to be perfect. I can't stand it.  I will get back on track! I will get back to this point!

self defeating thoughts

So I have been struggling with a passion lately.  I have been on the edge, it would be the week my therapist goes out of town. No way to get a hold of her. It sucks, Because I need her this week. Yesterday at  ceder point, I ate, and stooped myself from having any symptoms I stayed with my aunt so I couldn't purge.  I haven't purged in about a week now! Which is good, this morning I woke up and got an email suggesting that I go to treatment again for a booster, but I can't because I work 30 hours a week know.  And It will just make me worse. I'll be surrounded by people who are negative and I don't need that right now! I can do this with the work of my group and my twice a day therapy. To bad Kim is gone till Wednesday. I'm happy I have group tomorrow, I need it even though it's only an hour. 

By my friend Morgan her quote is "No one heals with out a struggle". She's right, she just made a shirt that says "You may have to fight a battle more then once to win it" I am going stronger because of her words of encouragement. If you read these thank you. I've been depressed but when I GO to work I get happy, so I'm excited I work everyday this week except for Sunday. Which I wonder if anyone will ask me to cover for them. I am going to be tired. 

So, people don't understand eating disorders, and they look at you like your retarded. It's complicated you won't understand unless you learn about it. But some people are to judgmental to even care, which really hurts. It kinda bugs me that my own best friend looks at me like I'm a freak.  I don't like being judged exspecially by my best friend, it kind of sucks. I'm not going to lie. 

People ask why I'm always at the dr's. I go three times a week, and when I say what for, Hannah goes Oh, and gives me attitude and then treats me different, others look at me and get silent. To me, your stronger if you seek help then get worse by the day. I held it in for a long time, and then it led to me self destructing. So I recommended it.

Binging

I am struggling at the moment.. Bad, I can't stop eating... Which is a binge. I can't get a hold of my therapist. I am crying, I am miserable. I want to purge, and I am not going too. Thanks to a girl named Becca who has kept me occupied I am distracted, I am done eating, And I'm going to relax. Have a good cry, and just remember  slip is not a relapse.. That is the one problem I have, If I mess up I feel like I'm in a full relapse. Which I can not afford at all. I am worth recovery, I can not sleep. I have to stick to everything, I have gone over things from the rcc, I have done meditation and yoga.I've looked up quotes, I've talked to 3 people, who mean a lot to me and help me. I am listing to Warrior by demi Lavoto.  It's helping me distract from purging and self harm. Which don't seem to bad, but I can not do it. I have to stay strong, which is so hard for me. But it's hard for everyone who has a mental illness. I leave in a month and I have to stay strong, and continue to be in recovery. I am an athlete n have to continue to be healthy and strong. GOSH I HATE THIS!

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN!

When A lot of people are going down hill, they do not realize it. They ignore it, they continue down the wrong path. This time for me I am doing the complete opposite, I am refusing to let this awful diseases to take over me. I am doing therapy two day's a week as well as groups, I want to get as better as possible before I leave for college. I don't want t do bad when I go there. I want to live life and start a new chapter. Which I PLAN on doing. I am not going to do bad. I am going to continue to look on the positive sight. My therapist has been there for me more then anyone I know, she is helping me so much I can't even believe she hasn't switched me with someone else, and I am grateful. I may be struggling, I may be isolating, but I am changing, I'm staying out of my room, I'm working, I' trying to eat, a lot. I'm not exercising. I'm just struggling in my mind. Which I really need to change, I'm still uncomfortable with the way I look, and the way  I act. But I have to stop judging myself, a lot of people complement me, most who don't know me judge me. I am learning some great things about me. I have to say right now that is all that matters, I am refusing to let this mental illness put a frown on my face!

Loss and grief

Well, I woke up at 130 today, finally had the sleep the I needed went to the vet, when I got home, I had some bad new my baby was put to  sleep. I taught her everything she knew.

I will Miss you Bailey to the moon and back, you will forever be in my heart!

But besides the loss I had my first group therapy and it really helped me, I have a dr appt Thursday, and one of Friday and then a different group on Friday and then my graduation party one Saturday. I am super busy. I'm so overwhelmed. And I miss my baby. And I work everyday except for Saturday. I am busy of the wall, need to get my dr notes done for college, need to get my stuff together for college..

My episodes are coming back, I can barley see and my heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest. Have to get up really early and I don't really know what to talk about, my mind is on overload.

Please if you read this contimplait on buying my mental health awarness shirt it would mean a lot to me.

 http://teespring.com/staystrong

Confussed.

Well, I  struggled yet again today, I purged as well as restricted. It makes me feel like a failure, It's so hard, I have had an eating disorder for 3 years almost 4. I can't stand it. I was doing great for a good six months, my therapist and I both agreed to start something knew. Every day I am going to write 3 things I like about my self.  And go on from there, and it can't be, "I'm good at sports". So I have to get in tone with my body and help myself out. I finally admitted on how much I wanted to get better, and she said she was proud of me. When I go there, I FEEL like someone finally understands me and knows what I am going through. Not afraid to give me advice, Someone who can tell me what I'm doing wrong and who can help me in the right foot steps.. My stomach is still swollen and she is trying to call me down, which I am starting to flip even bigger shit because I feel as it is getting a lot bigger, and you can tell. I have to wear bigger clothes. It sucks, because my clothes don't fit, and they were baggy before.. I don't know, I am just rambling on and on, and I Don't even know what to talk about. I can't stop thinking about my stomach. Well, I can't focus, so I am done for a while, I am trying to stay strong..

Positive mood!

As I've mentioned in the past few post, I have been struggling bad. I had symptoms I engaged in behaviors, I purged and restricted a lot. And I haven't purged in 6 months, I felt horrible. Today when I woke up I felt amazing! I have been happy all day, I ate, I didn't have symptoms, I felt good in my own skin. I went out on my own! I went to the mall go my hair cut.

Then I went to mejirs got stuff for smoothies, went to American Eagle but didn't find anything I liked.  Went to cv's and now I'm about to paint my nails. I watched movies I power cleaned my room, I cleaned the house, I took care of my baby! He's still sick. Poor dog might have diabetes. My stomach is still swollen. Tomorrow I go to a neurologist. Which will probably be a waster of money, then  I have work 4-8 and then I have therapy AGAIN this week at 830. Then  I am going to come home and rest. I need it, I have been so stressed out this week. I am tired.  I want to relax and get away from all the stress. I have another therapy appt on Monday, and then the dog vet on Tuesday, and then probably work. And then Therapy on Friday, and My graduation party on saturday. I am soooo tired!

Well today has been great!

Therapy twice a week!!!!!!

So, because of my abnormal behavior I am now being told I have to go to therapy twice a week.... Till my attitude improves and my mind set changes. Today right when I awoke my mood was in the dumps, I was depressed. I didn't laugh at work, I didn't talk until I talked to a customer. My boss looked at me and said " I'm leaving for vacation, when I return I want the old Mariah back. I looked at her and said It will be back, It's 2 weeks before I start so my pmdd is starting to act up.  So My attitude is fluctuating. It's really hard for me, I just hope I don't get a freak attitude and my anxiety doesn't go off like it did the last time. I couldn't stop shaking and I could barley breathe,  I really don't want that to happen again. I Hope I'm normal, I want to be happy. For a week I am normal, I am happy. I love life. But when I'm like this I couldn't honestly care less, AND I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT! I just want to be normal with this stuff, my stomach is still swollen, and It's bugging the shit out of me. I have a nerology appt on Friday and I'm scared for that. And then I have abother one next friday, I have therapy again I think Friday at like 830 at night. Then again on Monday. Omg, I am soo sick of the doctors, then I have a vet appt on Tuesday. I start a anxiety and depression group on Tuesday. Which I AM thrilled for,I feel as if It will really help me! Which right now I need all the help I can get. I am going to be HAPPY on my grad party day! I have to be. I am going to ceder point this sunday with Frank and my cousin and aunt. Can't wait! I will be happy that day!!!! I wrote another poem.

The weather is Bi-polar, it has it's up and downs, it can be depressing it can be enjoyable. But it's what you make out of it. You can choose to embrace it or you can choose to make the worse out of it. Why make the worse when you can shine like a star. Don't be like the weather actual try, fight against the odds. Be bright and sunny even when your feeling down and gloomy.

It's not the best poem I have written, but It's something, and It means a lot to me!

Happy birthday day, R.I.P

Like I've stated in these past few blogs,  I am severely struggling. Today I woke up, And went straight to the phone and asked my best friend out to breakfast, it was a big step for me, :). By the time I had gotten to work I was stressed of the freaking wall, I was told to go on break. I ordered food and I started crying, thankfully I ate in the back and we weren't busy at all. My shirts are tight and my pants are as well. I'm sooo much stronger then this freaking eating disorder.  I will NOT let it take over me. I have been six months strong, And I plan on making it longer, With then help of my therapist giving me kind words and helping me I am getting better, I broke down after my appointment last night and was positive if I went home I would have done something I would have regretted. So I went to my aunt meli mells house, and talked and she helped me calm down, if you reading this thank you... Your kind words and your wisdom have helped me so much. It means so much to me.. Thank you<3. 

Besides that I have a neurology appt on Friday, and I am scared. Thinking about it makes me nervous, Hopefully I'll find the answers. My anxiety has been off the wall for about 3 weeks. It's terrifying my therapist, she called me about 12 times today trying to get a hold of me,I was at doctors appts so I couldn't answerer. 

On another note, today is my Fathers birthday. It's been a hard day. It's been 16 years, I miss him. It's not fair. Everyone had a chance to meet him, people got close to him, I would like a chance to even say hello to him. But that will never happen. I don't even know. It's hard for me, When I was a sophmore I wrote a poem,

 you left me when i needed u the most, u died when i was so young, now you're just a ghost...u left me when i needed u the most,now the state prison system is your host, it could've been heroin it could've been crack, all i really know is i want you both back...u left me when i needed you the most, i was just a small child now as a growing teenager, it reminds me i can't be so wild, any drug, strong or mild will steal your life, adult or child...you left me when i needed you the most, i wish these drugs wouldn't have taken the ones i held so close, they destroyed the life of my brother and left me with a sad distressed mother...you left me when i needed you the most, i was counting on you to get me through, now it is me here left to worry about you, you left me when i needed you the most, i cant help but think about the things we could've done, mother, father daughter and son, we were all so young, our lives had just begun, we could play hockey or maybe some catch, but the drug dealers were busy, planning heir next batch, they stand on the streets, they hide in their homes, they sell drugs to everyone, even their own, they have no soul and they will steal yours too, don't give them the chance, that's what they want you to do... you left me when i needed you the most, all alone down this lonely road i coast, i look forward to the future, i pray we do well, the rest of our lives are father times story to tell...IT WAS HEROIN, IT WAS CRACK, BUT DO YOU KNOW I WANT MY DADDY BACK, NOW MY BROTHER IS GONE TOO, IT COULD BE YOURS NEXT, WHAT WILL YO DO????????

I wrote this and still today it hurts me, My family heard it and cried. It's heart breaking. I hate seeing little girls with there dads playing chase or catch or saying I love you daddy, I know it's selfish of me and some people don't even have parents. But In my heart I don't care, I just want my daddy back. I want to be able to just go up to him and be like I love you daddy, and ask him to play catch. Even though I know if he was still alive I don't know if my mom would be or if I would even be as strong. Today is his birthday and I miss him dearly. R.I.P KELLY ANSELMI.

I wish you would have thought every thing through, not of taken that last douse, in your semi, maybe you would see how great I am doing. I love you forever and always. 

 

Sliping again:/

These past four days have not been easy, I have restricted and sat by the toilet crying. I haven't purged in six months, and I was so close to doing it today. Right now I am watching anxiety meditation videos as well as listing to music that will hopefully put me in a better mood. As Demi would say "I am a warrior". I have to keep fighting. For some reason I am really struggling, It started once my stomach started to get swollen. It's really bugging me, I can't handle it. It scares me, it makes me feel like I'm going to get big again.. I can't, I will trip out! I have two doctors appt tomorrow, and I need them. I need to get with a neurologist, As well as therapy.  I'm super busy tomorrow. :). Which Will keep my mind bust as well. I need distraction, I will keep fighting. I need to, so I can do well in college, I don't need weight in the back of my mind. These idealizations need to GTFO of my head! I feel as if I'm freaking out because it's summer, and I don't want to go swimming, and my friends want to go to the water park and it scares me, because I'm not comfortable with anyone seeing me.  I won't even go swimming by myself. I can't wait for tomorrow. Hopefully my day's get easier! I need sleep got 3 hours last night! I am TIRED!

A slip in recovory

In August I was admitted into an Eating disorder treatment center. I was there for 9 weeks. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I missed two months of my senior year so I thought.  I discussed things that had been bothering me for 5 years. I talked about things I had never thought about before. On my first day I was told my plate had to be completely cleared, I was a smart ass and said want me to F-ing lick it? So I DID, By the time I left, I was happy I was grateful. I loved the workers. 3 months later I relapsed. I was there for six weeks. It was a lot harder this time. I felt like a failure, I was miserable. I cried a lot. I talked more in these six weeks, I have ever cried in my life. I talked about things, I went into great detail. I have been in recovery for 5 months. I never thought that this would be possible. Today is the first time that I have struggle extremely bad since I got out. I didn't eat until 430.  When I got to work It was hard for me to eat. I wanted to purge after eating, which  I haven't done in six months. I didn't do it and I felt extremely great for not doing it. For the last three days Restricting has been on my mind, it scares me. I leave in two moths and 9 days for college, I will be on my own, as well as playing an intense sport. Which scares me as well. Because I'll only being seeing my therapist once every two weeks, and I will have to monitor my eating which Is going to be very hard for me, especially if I am struggling. I go to the doctors on Monday and I just went last week, and I'm afraid I have lost weight. Which half of me is like HELL yeah, and the other half is screaming no! It means a slip in recovery which I don't want. I'm sick of this. I know it's going to be with me for a long time, and I won't get my hunger ques back for up to two years I guess the point of this post was just to vent..Hopefullt I get back on track, tomorrow is a new day! The picture below is me and my baby, He made me a little happier today. He keeps me sane! I love him!

Anxiety at an all time HIGH!

My mind has been rambling on and on lately. I'm trying to slow it down to get one story out, but then it rushes to the next subject. This is due to my anxiety. It has been at an all time high lately When I mean high I mean, I haven't been able to function normally. Hurting myself was popping up in my mind, so I could focus or feel something else. But I am 3 months and 14 days strong with no self harm, and I plan on making it longer. Due to my high anxiety I've had therapy twice this week!!!! That's how bad it is. It can run your life, for some it does, and mine is trying.. I mean really trying, it's like screaming in my head, I'm shaking, I am mumbling my words, I walk and it's not in a straight line. It's insane, I thought my anxiety was high before, DAMN! was I way wrong. I never thought my anxiety would make me feel paralyzed. I can only say it's worse when my PMDD reacts with it. Which sucks once a month. Because Not only do I not feel good, but I also have different symptoms then most. As I sit here and I am writing this my anxiety is high. I'm switching between here and Facebook because I can't focus. I write these blogs, for myself and my therapist. To try and distract myself, to focus on getting better. When I write these I go back and I read them to see if I have made progress week to week. I've noticed in the past week I've decreased, I went from POSITIVE POLLY, to NEGATIVE NANCY. I was doing very well and was on top of the world. Then in a blink of an Eye I felt like everything was crashing at once. 

Today, I had my graduation farwell assembely. I was awarded a scholarship for changing lives, it was awarded to me because I managed to pass while missing six months of my senior year. It made me realize even with my eating disorder and my severe depresion and anxiety and PMDD that I can come out on top. I just have to continue fighting this long, shaking battle that goes on within my mind and body everyday.