Swelling/body image

Today was suppose to be a day were you spend it with your family, most people did. I on the other hand couldn't. Before I left my house, I put on my favorite outfit and it didn't  fit because of my weight gain, it left me in a very bad state of mind. I didn't want to be out of my house. So I went home and put different clothes on and they didn't fit either, with my eating disorder it sent me of the wall. So I put my big girl panties on and got ready to go to my aunts house. When I arrived I was already holding back tears. Everyone was enjoying there time. I was asked if I was going to eat. However my aunt said for them to stop and they did. I had to leave.  So I left. Right when I got into the car tears ran down my face fast. I couldn't hold them in anymore, I probably cried for about an hour. I weighed myself, and I couldn't believe how much I had gained, With an ED most freak out over an ounce or one pound, But in my fact I went from 150 to 162. That's 12 pounds. I was crying even harder. But I did that to myself. I still ate and when I did I felt guilty. I have been doing great. 6 months strong, the longest time in 3 years. I felt so horrible for leaving my family on this holiday. It was extremely selfish of me. But I was not going to break down in front of them. I was so comfortable in my skin, and it's starting again. It can't, I leave for college in a month, To play tennis to begin a new chapter in my life. I have been doing therapy twice a week and groups. However my therapist would be gone the week I need her most. My best friend is gone so I can't confine in her.  So I've been distracting myself by working a shit ton. I was so happy That I had work so I wouldn't have to think about it.  But then I got cancelled.  My mind started to wonder. It wouldn't stop. When my brother got home Instead of picking on myself I took my aggression out on him. Matt I am sorry. I didn't mean to take my self hate on you. I have been considering going back to rehab before college. For 2 weeks for a booster, to help me deal with the swelling in my stomach. I have to confine in my therapist and have her give me some suggestions. You know what FUCK society for making people feel like they have to be perfect. I can't stand it.  I will get back on track! I will get back to this point!