Weight loss/ weight gain

There is a friend to every Eating disorder, Mine is very close. Some times she is in my dreams and in my ear.  She is in my mind. Sometimes I feel as if she's the only one who understands me. But I don't want her as a friend. But when It comes to her I am very passive. Which I am working on, I'm not really passive with others, I'm more passive aggressive which isn't well either. But with her it's completely different, It's a love hate relationship. Sometimes I want her attached at my hip because she's there for me, she tells me what I want to hear. She's everything I want to be. But then I hate her, she is mean and a bully and puts me down. It's not the type of friend you want. You want someone who loves you for everything, not based on the way you look or the number on a scale. She yells at me for wearing my bracket. "Numbers do not define me, FREEDOM. As well as my tattoo it has the recovery symbol as the B for beautiful. I feel guilty because I am struggling. I have my good days, my bad days and then amazing says. I can shut her out sometimes. With her, it's always an argument.  I have a mirror in my head, I don't know what I really look like, All I can see are the flaws and the things I need to fix. I haven't been able to see the real me in about 3 years. I hear I'm Beautiful, I want to see it. I wish I could recollect the memories. I used to think I was beautiful, I didn't care about what I looked like, I walked with confidence. Nothing was wrong, I didn't mind. It didn't matter. I was happy nothing mattered. I was successful. I still am. I am learning things, I am happy with some of the about me. I like my smile and my eyes. Which I didn't like before. I am shocked to say that. I am working extremely hard on myself, but it has gotten better.

Eating disorder

 After

It has put a toll in my self confidence, and my health and my state of mind, but do to the recovory of six months, I have gained 20 pounds, It scares me, and It is making my eating disorder come back.:/ I'm going to keep fighting.