Losing control/ trying to gain it back

 

Anxiety can be paralyzing at least for me it is.  I am writing this with painful anxiety. My heart is pounding so heart, my blood pressure I assure you is sky rocketing.  I start class tomorrow, and practice, I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to keep my eating habits on schedule. Which terrifies me because I'm struggling as it is. I don't want it to get any worse. In my session on Saturday, my therapist told me she was starting a new class to help me improve my ed. It touched my heart, she said  I'm the first patient she has had that has had an eating disorder, and she want's to help me in anyway possible. It made me feel as if there is recovery at the end of the road for me.  So new techniques are going to be happening in October. I know I have said "That session was probably the best I've ever had". But you know what, the more you say it the more you know you are recovering. Which is progress and that is most important. When you're in college you have to worry about school, sports, eating and planning and relaxing and not being over stressed. Unless I prioritize I will feel out of control, which will fuel my Eating disorder even more. It's scary realizing that. No matter how much my brain thinks it's a good idea, deep down in my hear I am fighting really hard to not give in to temptations. I have so many ideas in which I can loose weight around this, and I know I can't. It's not healthy I will loose all focus on tennis and school. Which I do not want.  I don't want to loose that like I did my senior year of school. That really hurt me and made me feel like a failure, but then deep down, your health is more important then anything else. You can't function unless you are healthy. As  I get deeper writing this my heart is beating faster, and my vision is getting burly and I'm getting hot! Which means when I am done with this I need to lay down and take some deep breaths and relax. So I don't become overwhelmed. I also have to find time for therapy, because I'm moving forward and I don't want to move backwards. 

This whole situation makes me feel like a baby chick who's wings haven't fully developed, so she can't fly forward until they grow. If I don't work on this I won't grow. Which means I'll be stuck in the same spot for a long time. I have to practice over and over until I get the confidence to finally jump and thrive and be free. Away from being alone, away from being held back.

The real question I ask my self everyday is, are you going to get better to help others, but remember you have to help your self first before you help anyone else, so are you going to do it? Everyday it's a different answer.  I want to strive and fly and grow. But then I want to stay in the same position because letting go of control frightens me and makes me shake and it doesn't feel good. So basically this post is about growing and making the right decision even though you can't make up your mind.

Will I be free? 

Take it by day, recovery is different for everyone. When you slip start over tomorrow. Day by day you'll grow. Don't think about the future think about the present moment.