loosing friends AND feeling ALONE!

 

Well, as I head into my third week at college, I have to say things are getting a lot harder. My emotions are every were, I feel like my head is spinning and doesn't know when to stop. I feel empty and lonely, I feel ashamed and insecure. I feel as if everyone is leaving me. I have a friend who hasn't responded to any of my texts, I have my best friend who I am constantly fighting with. I am alone at college. It scares me and I have no one to lean on. School isn't hard so far, I actually really like it. It puts me out of my comfort zone, and it's helping me pursue the career that I've always wanted. This summer I found myself relying on therapy twice a week and groups twice a week. I didn't want to slip up right before I went to college. Now that I am in college I am slipping up quiet a bit. I'm struggle a lot, with no one around me there to help. Because I'm used to therapy twice a week and talking about why I'm struggling helped me a lot. I felt like I was getting better. Now I get therapy maybe 1 in 3 weeks. And It is really hard for me. My brain is satisfied, it's happy I'm repeating old habits, but my heart is crushed. I am depressed, I only want to sleep and stay in my dorm. I am comparing my self to everyone and it's difficult. It's all related. My mom said it's because of the transition I am in. Feeling out of control, being on my own. This is what I was afraid of. Slipping. It's almost been a full year to wear my symptoms haven't been bad, were my suicidal idealizations have been gone. Were I haven't been isolating. Everything has come back, but the idealizations.  I have the urge to self harm, but I don't want to. So when I get those urges I call Kim. And she calms me down. Which I am thankful that she is there for. I am tearing up right now, because I feel alone. I want my friends back, I want them here to help me. I want someone around me who I can vent to. Who will help me when I fall. But I don't have that around me there. Which Is very hard.