Happy birthday day, R.I.P

Like I've stated in these past few blogs,  I am severely struggling. Today I woke up, And went straight to the phone and asked my best friend out to breakfast, it was a big step for me, :). By the time I had gotten to work I was stressed of the freaking wall, I was told to go on break. I ordered food and I started crying, thankfully I ate in the back and we weren't busy at all. My shirts are tight and my pants are as well. I'm sooo much stronger then this freaking eating disorder.  I will NOT let it take over me. I have been six months strong, And I plan on making it longer, With then help of my therapist giving me kind words and helping me I am getting better, I broke down after my appointment last night and was positive if I went home I would have done something I would have regretted. So I went to my aunt meli mells house, and talked and she helped me calm down, if you reading this thank you... Your kind words and your wisdom have helped me so much. It means so much to me.. Thank you<3. 

Besides that I have a neurology appt on Friday, and I am scared. Thinking about it makes me nervous, Hopefully I'll find the answers. My anxiety has been off the wall for about 3 weeks. It's terrifying my therapist, she called me about 12 times today trying to get a hold of me,I was at doctors appts so I couldn't answerer. 

On another note, today is my Fathers birthday. It's been a hard day. It's been 16 years, I miss him. It's not fair. Everyone had a chance to meet him, people got close to him, I would like a chance to even say hello to him. But that will never happen. I don't even know. It's hard for me, When I was a sophmore I wrote a poem,

 you left me when i needed u the most, u died when i was so young, now you're just a ghost...u left me when i needed u the most,now the state prison system is your host, it could've been heroin it could've been crack, all i really know is i want you both back...u left me when i needed you the most, i was just a small child now as a growing teenager, it reminds me i can't be so wild, any drug, strong or mild will steal your life, adult or child...you left me when i needed you the most, i wish these drugs wouldn't have taken the ones i held so close, they destroyed the life of my brother and left me with a sad distressed mother...you left me when i needed you the most, i was counting on you to get me through, now it is me here left to worry about you, you left me when i needed you the most, i cant help but think about the things we could've done, mother, father daughter and son, we were all so young, our lives had just begun, we could play hockey or maybe some catch, but the drug dealers were busy, planning heir next batch, they stand on the streets, they hide in their homes, they sell drugs to everyone, even their own, they have no soul and they will steal yours too, don't give them the chance, that's what they want you to do... you left me when i needed you the most, all alone down this lonely road i coast, i look forward to the future, i pray we do well, the rest of our lives are father times story to tell...IT WAS HEROIN, IT WAS CRACK, BUT DO YOU KNOW I WANT MY DADDY BACK, NOW MY BROTHER IS GONE TOO, IT COULD BE YOURS NEXT, WHAT WILL YO DO????????

I wrote this and still today it hurts me, My family heard it and cried. It's heart breaking. I hate seeing little girls with there dads playing chase or catch or saying I love you daddy, I know it's selfish of me and some people don't even have parents. But In my heart I don't care, I just want my daddy back. I want to be able to just go up to him and be like I love you daddy, and ask him to play catch. Even though I know if he was still alive I don't know if my mom would be or if I would even be as strong. Today is his birthday and I miss him dearly. R.I.P KELLY ANSELMI.

I wish you would have thought every thing through, not of taken that last douse, in your semi, maybe you would see how great I am doing. I love you forever and always.