Self Distruction

Sometimes I find my self in a reality check. I find my self searching for reasons to be happy. I'm forcing a smile on my face when I'm not really happy. I can't figure out why I choose to make myself not happy.. I've been told that once I get happy and I find a good place. I mess something up, and While seeing my dr today, we talked about it and we both agree that I set a self distructing phase. Which I don't know why I do it. I think it's because I don't think it's possible for me to be happy and content because I haven't been for so long. In A not shell I've been through what most 40 year old's haven't. I'm scared and confused. And I feel as if I'm in a dark non ending hallway. I see things that make me happy, and that I feel content with. Then I go with it, then I realize it wont last long, I'll just get hurt in the long run. And because I've been hurt and abandoned and mentally abused by myself and others, I will never let anyone in. I'm trying to knock down these wall's in the hall way. Lets see how many and how long until there all down. I want to actually be happy instead of faking it.