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Have you ever had this tight feeling in your stomach? Like something was wrong. Lately that's all I have been able to feel. Due to the past 5 years without my brother, I am in constant fear that he will relapse. I'm terrified. I'm having nightmares about it. It's basically in my mind a lot. I'm terified that I am going to loose him again. In my mind, that's not possible, I am tearing up writting this... Today I expressed how I felt. I felt like an ass, but it was something I had to get of my chest. Matt if you reading this, please no I'm just worried about you, I just want the big brother I never had. I want someone to talk to and to laugh and goof around with, I just don't think that stage will come, I move in August and will be seperated yet again.
I have been waiting a long time for you to come home, and it's nothing like I thoguht it was gonna be, I had my exspectations up way to high.
The fact that I keep waking up crying and wanting to check up on you is ridiculous.
I am so scared. I don't want to be, but the fact that it's in my mind that your doing something scares me!!!

I have brought up Fear before in my post, and I told you with my disorder It comes a lot. But this fear, seems much higher. That should show that I am scared.

I feel as if I am walking into a deep abis, all there is is fog and a bridge, It's dark and scary and noises are loud and fierce. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, it's something I have never felt before. It's like someone is watching me and yet every time I turn around no one is there.. It's the fear of the unknown. And it's terrifying. I am so scared. I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry.