TAKING BACK MY LIFE TODAY!

 Warrior- Demi lavoto

This is a story that I've never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal,And you steal like you're a pro
All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed so confused, I was broken and bruised
Now I'm a warrior, Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you cant get in
I'm a warrior, And you can never hurt me again
Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars,That I'll never show,I'm a survivor,In more ways than you know

I can relate to this song in so many ways, It is crazy. When Ever I feel down, or ashmaed I listen to this song, when I'm terrified or feel alone I listen to this song, This song has helped me a lot.

These past few days have been HELL, but it shows me that "I am stronger then I have ever been". I have never felt like this in my entire life. I had such a weird episode on Tuesday, I thought it was just a panic attack. But it could be withdrawal from meds, it could be my PM-DD. I will most likely never know, I'll just have a theory.  It was just so strange, I feel so much better right now. I can breath, I'm not shaking, it comes in waves though. Like when you were little and you would wake up sick and then you would run around and then arond 5 you would crash and you would be sick again. Except my time is like every 2 hours and it last longer... I've been to the hospital to the doctors, And not I have to meet with the phc for my meds, then therapy on sunday to discuss everything that has hapened. I feel as if I have been put through a lot this week, And I can really say I can't wait for it to be over.

As this song stated above, there is a story about me, and it's still progressing. 

I've made so much progress in the past 2 months. Two months ago I was suicidal. I attempted or at least thought I did, I didn't care if I didn't wake up.. And now thinking back to it, it wasn't me. It was the meds in side of me. I am done, I am going to be free.  It's time for me to be free and get my life back!!!! You may be shocked because I come of as happy as can be, there's a lot people don't know about me. I only have friends On here that can read this, Because I know they care. I went from 540 friends to like 122. And they mean the world to me.
Thank you for all your support! To anyone who actually reads this, your amazing!  Beautiful, handsome. 

In these photos there my first real smile in a long time!

Hospitals

Last night I had a major episode, I don't remember most of it. All I know Is that I had major chest pain. So when I woke up, I tried to go to the doctors and I couldn't get in.  Then my puppy had bloody poop. Not just blood in the stole. But large amounts of blood.  I  started panicking, I was crying I could only think of the worse, He is my baby and I was just terrified. So I went to the animal hospital and let me remind you it was only 11am. I was freaking out. Then when I got home, I was advised by my therapist to go to the hospital because of my episode last night. So that's what I did. When I got there I had a lot to do. I was only there for about three hours, My magnesium was low, so I had to get an IV done. Which was really annoying but it's what I had to do. Then when  I got home I came upstairs and I had to take care of my baby, we went upstairs and took a nap.  I am so overwhelmed, it's ridioculse, I bet my therapist is really annoyed, I only called her like 5 times. I'm still out of breath and My chest still hurts but they said nothing is wrong with my chest. Which  I am very thankful for.

Now I am laying here with my baby. He's sick :/

Multiple subjects

1. Things I've noticed

    

   1. Things I've noticed,The worst type of crying Is when your lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast. You're bent over or crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts to much to hold in so you let out a yelp and cry then comes the loss of breath which sucks because you're not only crying out loud but you think you sound dumb for not breathing too

      2. people need to grow up-

      self harm is not a trend, anorexia is not a phase, depression is not an act, homosexuality is not a choice, sexually assault is not provoked, and suicide is not a result in cowardice.

      3.You don't understand

      -cutting, unless your a cutter

      -drugs, unless your a gruggie

      -suicide, unless you've attempted it

      -depression-unless you've felt it

      -eating disorders, unless you have one

      -Me, unless you know what I've been through

      Some people look at you weird when they see you have a problem, I on the other hand, want to hear your story because I've been through a lot, I want to help others who have been in the same situation,  Please don't be a person who assumes, it's like when you judge a book by a cover, you're choosing the same when you look at a person. But you lost them, because you were to afraid to see their beauty on the inside!

       

      

      
      

Mood swings

Lately I have been in a great mood, but I found myself slowly decreasing at around 9 and 10. I was in constant battles with my mind, I couldn't get out of my mind. I was at a bonfire tonight, and it was suppose to be a good night. But with the battle in my head I made it into a disaster.  I was with friends, and a guy I really liked, and still do. I told him I could not date him, and I was really sorry for leading him on.  I felt like the biggest ass whole ever. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't even put into words on how I feel. I feel so rude and like a bitch. I literally can not date. Everyone says it's mental, obviously. They tell me to get over it and just do it. It's not that simple for me. Something happened growing up witch makes it really hard for me. As well as multiple reasons, I don't know why I am like this. This is why I stay in my room, and I don't date. Because I hurt someone and myself.  I sit here and I ponder on why I can't and why I don't allow myself to. It makes me feel even more depressed then I already am. 

I don't know what to do anymore.

Hording

This may seem weird, but I have had a hording problem since I was 4 years old. When I was little I had experienced a lot of loss. So when ever my mom tried to get ride of my stuff I would scream and cry, and it was like she was taking away my animal. I have felt that way for the past 16 years. I feel as if I get rid of something I will loose everything. I am so terrified of loosing someone or something, that it took 16 years for me not to cry or scream to get rid of something. Today I took a huge step out of my comfort zone. I cleaned my room and got rid of a lot of things. I threw away 3 garbage bag of things away, and it was so hard. I had a garage sale and watching my stuff go was insane. My blood pressure was 162/100 and my pulse was 110. I had to go up stairs and call down. When I woke up I had to breathe and watch myself calm down. Now looking around my room It's a little empty and yet my heart feels empty as well, it's a crazy feeling, I mean it's just stuff RIGHT? Well, I guess to a normal person it is. But to me it's my world. I have to do it all over again tomorrow, and thinking about it makes my heart beat so much faster. In reality I know not everything has a sentimental value to it. But I can't give it up, it's really hard. But since I'm moving in 3 months I have to get rid of it. I'm starting to realize that once I get rid of this stuff, then I can choose what other things I want.

 

Self Distruction

Sometimes I find my self in a reality check. I find my self searching for reasons to be happy. I'm forcing a smile on my face when I'm not really happy. I can't figure out why I choose to make myself not happy.. I've been told that once I get happy and I find a good place. I mess something up, and While seeing my dr today, we talked about it and we both agree that I set a self distructing phase. Which I don't know why I do it. I think it's because I don't think it's possible for me to be happy and content because I haven't been for so long. In A not shell I've been through what most 40 year old's haven't. I'm scared and confused. And I feel as if I'm in a dark non ending hallway. I see things that make me happy, and that I feel content with. Then I go with it, then I realize it wont last long, I'll just get hurt in the long run. And because I've been hurt and abandoned and mentally abused by myself and others, I will never let anyone in. I'm trying to knock down these wall's in the hall way. Lets see how many and how long until there all down. I want to actually be happy instead of faking it.

Reatioships

Realationships-The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

 

Growing up I had a few great relationships, I was close to my grandma April as well as my grandfather. I was a snuggle bug. I loved to cuddle and to be held. I loved it all. All the little kid comfort that you like. Once My grandfather started viable abusing me and my brother left home, my trust went out the window. I don't like having any kind of relationships, I don't want to be close to someone because I'm terrified of them leaving me. Right now I have the perfect opportunity to be in a relationship. My first one ever, and my fear is blocking them with a cage. I actually like someone, and that's rare for me. I hate being labeled and being in a relationship is being labeled. I also don't trust men at all. Because of everything that has happened. I want to be in a relationship, but then I don't. Because I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm 18 And I've finally held hands with someone, and that's letting down a HUGE wall for me. Letting someone get physically close to be with out feeling sick. I need advice from people who have been in the same situation. I feel as if a few people have. I need to trust again. I'm trying, I'm working on it. 

On another note, but it's similar to the writing above..I don't really have relationships with a lot of people, I have 1 best friend. And I'm finally getting the nerve to make new friends. Which is so rare for me as well. I've never been this stable in my life. I don't hate every thing about me. I'm learning to love myself, as well as trying to let people who I love in.

 

 

Unknown

Have you ever had this tight feeling in your stomach? Like something was wrong. Lately that's all I have been able to feel. Due to the past 5 years without my brother, I am in constant fear that he will relapse. I'm terrified. I'm having nightmares about it. It's basically in my mind a lot. I'm terified that I am going to loose him again. In my mind, that's not possible, I am tearing up writting this... Today I expressed how I felt. I felt like an ass, but it was something I had to get of my chest. Matt if you reading this, please no I'm just worried about you, I just want the big brother I never had. I want someone to talk to and to laugh and goof around with, I just don't think that stage will come, I move in August and will be seperated yet again.
I have been waiting a long time for you to come home, and it's nothing like I thoguht it was gonna be, I had my exspectations up way to high.
The fact that I keep waking up crying and wanting to check up on you is ridiculous.
I am so scared. I don't want to be, but the fact that it's in my mind that your doing something scares me!!!

I have brought up Fear before in my post, and I told you with my disorder It comes a lot. But this fear, seems much higher. That should show that I am scared.

I feel as if I am walking into a deep abis, all there is is fog and a bridge, It's dark and scary and noises are loud and fierce. I have a sick feeling in my stomach, it's something I have never felt before. It's like someone is watching me and yet every time I turn around no one is there.. It's the fear of the unknown. And it's terrifying. I am so scared. I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry.

Positivity!

It's been weird lately. I have been in such a great mood. I have been positive Polly all week. It's really strange, I can't believe this past week. I have been having random story's been roaming in my head. 

Imagine your self walking, and there's nothing but silence and the things pondering in your mind. Close your eyes. And don't let anything bother you. Breathe in and out. Stay like this for a good 10 minutes. It helps you relive stress and it calms you down. Okay, before you do so, write down 3 things you love about your self. When your done with that, go ahead and process everything, then read this when your done.

There's a lot in my mind.but I don't know what it represents. If you read this could you tell me what you think it is.

I'm walking down this long path and it's winter and I sit down and I think out loud. "Do you see how everything is changing, it's like life. The snow is cold and it leaves everything dead around you. It's like the snow is people that try to bring you down. There cold heartd and they don't care if your dead or alive, so They try to kill your dreams.  Then you continue to walk and you see animals running in a pact, and you don't see anything chasing them, but then you see a lion. You realize that there running away, there terrified to get caught and to be eating. It's kind of  like your fears, your fears can drown you. So you run away from them, before you face them. I can't help but imagine things the way they are.

Well you know what it's been strange. I have a problem. I'm a compulsive picture taker. I take pictures to satisfy the habit to break myself down. I pick and tear apart everything that is wrong with me. But You know what I found four that I liked. 

 

InBetween

 

Today started of rough. I was tired, no sleep. I was so exhausted I could barley walk. I didn't feel good and I felt like shit, and I was putting myself down.  It changed once two people commented on my hair, and said how they liked it. It made me feel a lot better. I didn't really focus on my thoughts after that. I mostly tried to pump myself up for my tennis match tomorrow. The Adrian coach is going to be there and I'm kind of scared. Today I was told I was bubbly and vibrant. It was really random. But I didn't knock the comment down with sarcasm. I went to the wings game, and I wasn't focused on the calories I had consumed. I just kept eating and drinking like I was normal again :D. I felt like I did when I could eat anything. I felt like I was free, Now as I am sitting here, I am externally tired. And I want to fall asleep. But you know I can't. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Close your eyes for 5 mins, breathe. I want you to think to your self.  Think five things you like about yourself, Don't shoot down any of the comments. While you do that think to your self, what are you going to do for your self tomorrow? Your not going to shoot yourself down. en Joy YOURSELF TOMORROW.

The Inbetween

Have you ever pictured what it would be like to be in the in between? Take a walk and look around you, you see the sun setting, You can smell the flowers, and the fresh sent of ran, and it's the perfect temperature. It's like your little safe zone, Lately I have been imagining one and I'm going to tell you what it is.

Your walking around it's dark and your alone and scared. Your worst nightmares are appearing. Everything you were so afraid of is starting to happen. You close your eyes and you try to puss those dreams out. Well, once you slow those thoughts down, you can imagine positive ones.  

I'll be walking in the woods, With a never ending path. Everything U want, but then there are some things that scare you. You realize your stuck in life. Something you don't want to be in. Your terrified,  You feel ashamed. You walk, it's silent, you can't seem to figure out were you are, You here a tree fall and you wonder if anyone around you heard it. If you think about it, It's like when you feel like you look bad and you realize no one is paying attention to you. It's kind of the same thing. Well at least in my mind it is.

Believe

Tonight as I sit here I am pondering my thoughts. Obsessing over the tiny things. Which I probably shouldn't because it's just going to keep me up longer. But anyways, My thoughts are kind of every were. There jumping from Tennis on Tuesday to my two doctor appointments this week. And then I work. And How I do not want to go to school. But the one thing I can't really stop focusing on is the fact that I only have 16 days left of school and I will be a tennis player in Adrian college. If I keep the fire in my eyes that I had on Saturday then I will be good for sure. But one thing I do know for sure, is that the only way, I will be able to achieve it is if  I am in a healthy stand point, and my mental state is well. On Friday some people came to our school and talked about the percentage of drop outs.  Most due it's due because of Mental health reasons. That scares me, mostly because Lately I have been obsessing about my body. Like it's getting worse. It is kind of scaring me.  I can't help but think to myself, would it be bad if I lost weight? I mean I won't loose to much. But then I have to stop and think to myself, weight has nothing to do with this. You have to rationalize your thoughts. You need to continue on working on your self. You need to continue writing things you like about your self, and continuing to BELIEVE IN MY SELF!

Fire!

So today I was told by someone great that I have the fire in my eyes again. Which I would say I felt it. I did amazing with food and my mood was very high. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel held back by my insecurity's all day. I felt great. I played like I did when I was free! I felt great! Even though I had those thoughts in my head I didn't feel as if I had to fight them for them to go away. It was like they were just pondering around in my mind. I felt amazing. When I got back to Kennedy I took my hair out and it was really wavy, and It made me feel very insecure, and that's when my mood went down a little bit. But then when I went to Hannah's we jumped on her trampoline and I felt good. I felt as if I was a little girl again. Then we went and hung out With Cody, Frank, Robbie,Kelsi, and two others.  We hung out at the heritage martial arts. I got my ass kicked and was thrown to the ground. But it was worth it. I actually wanted to hang out and I had a blast. My energy is up. All the hard work  I am putting into my recovery right now is paying off!

Urgeses

Urges- A strong desire or impulse:

Some are good and some are bad and then some are extremely harmful. Some people have urges for sex, some have them to smoke, as well as drinking. Some urges are healthy to explore. Some are not good to explore.  When you have some sort of Mental illnesses you tend to explore things you shouldn't. When you find something you like, that you shouldn't, you want them even more. These are the kind of urges I have been having lately. To the extreme. Today in my session I quickly explained my urges to restrict. I told her why, which is simply, that I seen a girl who was thin last year and now she is a bit over weight. Which is very judgmental on my side. But that scared me, it made me think, now that I am eating healthy and I'm not engaging in behaviors that I could possibly loose weight. Which gives me the strongest urge to restrict or purge. Which is not good. I want urges that are great. Which Hopefully I am heading that way. Because I seen that one girl, I am terrified!! She had to look at me and say "how can you change that, you have to think you are not that girl. You can control what you do. Then she said what would happen if you gained 1 one pound." I looked at her and I was like "I can tell when I gain weight, I don't know how, I just can.  It's like I have this perception and I have like tunnel vision and the only thing I can focus on is were that 1 pound went." Then I went home and I thought about what she said, I am still afraid. I have been obsessing about it for the past two days. Which is something I should do. So I can RE think these thoughts and pick them piece by piece and figure out what is actully right and what my brain just focuses on.

This is also when everything comes into play, Feat,Strength,the choice rather you want recovery. It's basically just one big decision on you, So rather you want to cave into your urges or want to stay strong, it's up to YOU!

Old Habbits.

Today was another of day. Which was not intenitonal at all! I felt as if it was going well. I didn't make my self laugh, so it wasn't all bad. Just about 75 percent. Either way, it wasn't the best day I've ever had. I was so harsh on myself today. When I woke up, I immediately tried on multiple outfits. Then I stood in front of the mirror and critisized myself. Which I haven't done in about a week and a half. I feel as if I am slipping a little bit. I am so happy that I have an appt tomorrow. Because I have a lot of stuff to get of my chest.
Today, before my tennis game I was doing so well. I was so positive, all my shots were going in. I was so excited. I was telling my partner how we were going to do so great! Once we started playing I lost all hope. It was like someone had told me all of my dreams crashed to the ground. I have never played that way in my entire life.My game never picked up.
You wouldn't believe it, I just cried watching Hey Arnold. Because the horse almost died.
I am super emotional, and I feel out of control. Like I was never in control before.
Tomorrow is a half a day. I will be able to get some sleep, relax and get in control of myself.
I hate bad days. I feel as if I have had a lot. I am not going to let my self slip back. I did great with food today. I am eating a shake as we speak.
I feel self fish though, today I seen a girl who had gained A LOT of weight since last year and it scared me. The rest of the day I felt as if I was her. We look a like, kind of. And it triggered me to have like day dreams of how big I was getting. Even though I haven't gained weight and I've stayed the same, I feel as if I am gainning weight. It terrifies me. All I can picture in my head it some girl that I'm not. It terrifies me knowing what I could look like if I ate "normal". It kind of scares me.
The thought of restriction and to purge as well as self harm were in my mind today. But I did not do any of them. Which is extremely

hard for me. I want to engage but then I don't. I don't know I'm so confused.

I CAN DO IT!!!!!

I have been doing very well with recovery lately. But today I had a set back. I didn't really eat. All day I made myself smile, I made myself look "happy". Even though I was far away from it. I feel as if today is when everything finally sunk in. Everything I read about myself, yesterday at school. Wispering today. I just let it get to me. I didn't put up a battle at all. 

If you knew me 4 years ago, you would say I've change tremendously. I pretended like nothing was wrong! EVER! I had the "perfect" life. I was just extrealy strong. I didn't give two shit's about what someone said to me. I had been thorugh hell and back with personal stuff. I was one tough cookie! I never cried. When I did it was because my bubble finally burst. I would cry for hours. I would scream in the air, like someone could hear me out there. I would wish for so many things. Over the years I lost my back bone. I started letting things get to me, I began to care what others thought of me. I was always the girl that said "who gives a shit, be you. You're perfect". Now I'm the girl trying to take her own advice.

When your on the other side of the road, it's a lot different. You repeat everything everyone says to you. Your friends tell you to just not give a shit. But if you have ever been bullied severally and you know how it feels you wouldn't say get over it. Because It's not that easy. Some people have told me that I need to stop taking everything to heart. She's right. But she also has no idea what it's like to be bullied her entire life either. Or be cyber bullied.  She hates when people call her sick, because she's to thin.  That makes her upset. What if it was to switch? Everyone on someone else. Which I know happens every day. If it was you, YOU WOULD CARE. I don't care if you think or say you wont. You will never know until you're put in that situation.

Now that it's the end of the night, I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of myself. I let everything get to me. Which I haven't been in the past two days. 

I finally sat here and listened to my thoughts.  Which I have been blocking out. 

I guess the point of this blog is basically, you have your ups and downs wirh recovory, but it's up to you to choose which way you go.

STAY STRONG<3