Binging

I am struggling at the moment.. Bad, I can't stop eating... Which is a binge. I can't get a hold of my therapist. I am crying, I am miserable. I want to purge, and I am not going too. Thanks to a girl named Becca who has kept me occupied I am distracted, I am done eating, And I'm going to relax. Have a good cry, and just remember  slip is not a relapse.. That is the one problem I have, If I mess up I feel like I'm in a full relapse. Which I can not afford at all. I am worth recovery, I can not sleep. I have to stick to everything, I have gone over things from the rcc, I have done meditation and yoga.I've looked up quotes, I've talked to 3 people, who mean a lot to me and help me. I am listing to Warrior by demi Lavoto.  It's helping me distract from purging and self harm. Which don't seem to bad, but I can not do it. I have to stay strong, which is so hard for me. But it's hard for everyone who has a mental illness. I leave in a month and I have to stay strong, and continue to be in recovery. I am an athlete n have to continue to be healthy and strong. GOSH I HATE THIS!

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN!

When A lot of people are going down hill, they do not realize it. They ignore it, they continue down the wrong path. This time for me I am doing the complete opposite, I am refusing to let this awful diseases to take over me. I am doing therapy two day's a week as well as groups, I want to get as better as possible before I leave for college. I don't want t do bad when I go there. I want to live life and start a new chapter. Which I PLAN on doing. I am not going to do bad. I am going to continue to look on the positive sight. My therapist has been there for me more then anyone I know, she is helping me so much I can't even believe she hasn't switched me with someone else, and I am grateful. I may be struggling, I may be isolating, but I am changing, I'm staying out of my room, I'm working, I' trying to eat, a lot. I'm not exercising. I'm just struggling in my mind. Which I really need to change, I'm still uncomfortable with the way I look, and the way  I act. But I have to stop judging myself, a lot of people complement me, most who don't know me judge me. I am learning some great things about me. I have to say right now that is all that matters, I am refusing to let this mental illness put a frown on my face!

Loss and grief

Well, I woke up at 130 today, finally had the sleep the I needed went to the vet, when I got home, I had some bad new my baby was put to  sleep. I taught her everything she knew.

I will Miss you Bailey to the moon and back, you will forever be in my heart!

But besides the loss I had my first group therapy and it really helped me, I have a dr appt Thursday, and one of Friday and then a different group on Friday and then my graduation party one Saturday. I am super busy. I'm so overwhelmed. And I miss my baby. And I work everyday except for Saturday. I am busy of the wall, need to get my dr notes done for college, need to get my stuff together for college..

My episodes are coming back, I can barley see and my heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest. Have to get up really early and I don't really know what to talk about, my mind is on overload.

Please if you read this contimplait on buying my mental health awarness shirt it would mean a lot to me.

 http://teespring.com/staystrong

Confussed.

Well, I  struggled yet again today, I purged as well as restricted. It makes me feel like a failure, It's so hard, I have had an eating disorder for 3 years almost 4. I can't stand it. I was doing great for a good six months, my therapist and I both agreed to start something knew. Every day I am going to write 3 things I like about my self.  And go on from there, and it can't be, "I'm good at sports". So I have to get in tone with my body and help myself out. I finally admitted on how much I wanted to get better, and she said she was proud of me. When I go there, I FEEL like someone finally understands me and knows what I am going through. Not afraid to give me advice, Someone who can tell me what I'm doing wrong and who can help me in the right foot steps.. My stomach is still swollen and she is trying to call me down, which I am starting to flip even bigger shit because I feel as it is getting a lot bigger, and you can tell. I have to wear bigger clothes. It sucks, because my clothes don't fit, and they were baggy before.. I don't know, I am just rambling on and on, and I Don't even know what to talk about. I can't stop thinking about my stomach. Well, I can't focus, so I am done for a while, I am trying to stay strong..

Positive mood!

As I've mentioned in the past few post, I have been struggling bad. I had symptoms I engaged in behaviors, I purged and restricted a lot. And I haven't purged in 6 months, I felt horrible. Today when I woke up I felt amazing! I have been happy all day, I ate, I didn't have symptoms, I felt good in my own skin. I went out on my own! I went to the mall go my hair cut.

Then I went to mejirs got stuff for smoothies, went to American Eagle but didn't find anything I liked.  Went to cv's and now I'm about to paint my nails. I watched movies I power cleaned my room, I cleaned the house, I took care of my baby! He's still sick. Poor dog might have diabetes. My stomach is still swollen. Tomorrow I go to a neurologist. Which will probably be a waster of money, then  I have work 4-8 and then I have therapy AGAIN this week at 830. Then  I am going to come home and rest. I need it, I have been so stressed out this week. I am tired.  I want to relax and get away from all the stress. I have another therapy appt on Monday, and then the dog vet on Tuesday, and then probably work. And then Therapy on Friday, and My graduation party on saturday. I am soooo tired!

Well today has been great!

Therapy twice a week!!!!!!

So, because of my abnormal behavior I am now being told I have to go to therapy twice a week.... Till my attitude improves and my mind set changes. Today right when I awoke my mood was in the dumps, I was depressed. I didn't laugh at work, I didn't talk until I talked to a customer. My boss looked at me and said " I'm leaving for vacation, when I return I want the old Mariah back. I looked at her and said It will be back, It's 2 weeks before I start so my pmdd is starting to act up.  So My attitude is fluctuating. It's really hard for me, I just hope I don't get a freak attitude and my anxiety doesn't go off like it did the last time. I couldn't stop shaking and I could barley breathe,  I really don't want that to happen again. I Hope I'm normal, I want to be happy. For a week I am normal, I am happy. I love life. But when I'm like this I couldn't honestly care less, AND I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT! I just want to be normal with this stuff, my stomach is still swollen, and It's bugging the shit out of me. I have a nerology appt on Friday and I'm scared for that. And then I have abother one next friday, I have therapy again I think Friday at like 830 at night. Then again on Monday. Omg, I am soo sick of the doctors, then I have a vet appt on Tuesday. I start a anxiety and depression group on Tuesday. Which I AM thrilled for,I feel as if It will really help me! Which right now I need all the help I can get. I am going to be HAPPY on my grad party day! I have to be. I am going to ceder point this sunday with Frank and my cousin and aunt. Can't wait! I will be happy that day!!!! I wrote another poem.

The weather is Bi-polar, it has it's up and downs, it can be depressing it can be enjoyable. But it's what you make out of it. You can choose to embrace it or you can choose to make the worse out of it. Why make the worse when you can shine like a star. Don't be like the weather actual try, fight against the odds. Be bright and sunny even when your feeling down and gloomy.

It's not the best poem I have written, but It's something, and It means a lot to me!

Happy birthday day, R.I.P

Like I've stated in these past few blogs,  I am severely struggling. Today I woke up, And went straight to the phone and asked my best friend out to breakfast, it was a big step for me, :). By the time I had gotten to work I was stressed of the freaking wall, I was told to go on break. I ordered food and I started crying, thankfully I ate in the back and we weren't busy at all. My shirts are tight and my pants are as well. I'm sooo much stronger then this freaking eating disorder.  I will NOT let it take over me. I have been six months strong, And I plan on making it longer, With then help of my therapist giving me kind words and helping me I am getting better, I broke down after my appointment last night and was positive if I went home I would have done something I would have regretted. So I went to my aunt meli mells house, and talked and she helped me calm down, if you reading this thank you... Your kind words and your wisdom have helped me so much. It means so much to me.. Thank you<3. 

Besides that I have a neurology appt on Friday, and I am scared. Thinking about it makes me nervous, Hopefully I'll find the answers. My anxiety has been off the wall for about 3 weeks. It's terrifying my therapist, she called me about 12 times today trying to get a hold of me,I was at doctors appts so I couldn't answerer. 

On another note, today is my Fathers birthday. It's been a hard day. It's been 16 years, I miss him. It's not fair. Everyone had a chance to meet him, people got close to him, I would like a chance to even say hello to him. But that will never happen. I don't even know. It's hard for me, When I was a sophmore I wrote a poem,

 you left me when i needed u the most, u died when i was so young, now you're just a ghost...u left me when i needed u the most,now the state prison system is your host, it could've been heroin it could've been crack, all i really know is i want you both back...u left me when i needed you the most, i was just a small child now as a growing teenager, it reminds me i can't be so wild, any drug, strong or mild will steal your life, adult or child...you left me when i needed you the most, i wish these drugs wouldn't have taken the ones i held so close, they destroyed the life of my brother and left me with a sad distressed mother...you left me when i needed you the most, i was counting on you to get me through, now it is me here left to worry about you, you left me when i needed you the most, i cant help but think about the things we could've done, mother, father daughter and son, we were all so young, our lives had just begun, we could play hockey or maybe some catch, but the drug dealers were busy, planning heir next batch, they stand on the streets, they hide in their homes, they sell drugs to everyone, even their own, they have no soul and they will steal yours too, don't give them the chance, that's what they want you to do... you left me when i needed you the most, all alone down this lonely road i coast, i look forward to the future, i pray we do well, the rest of our lives are father times story to tell...IT WAS HEROIN, IT WAS CRACK, BUT DO YOU KNOW I WANT MY DADDY BACK, NOW MY BROTHER IS GONE TOO, IT COULD BE YOURS NEXT, WHAT WILL YO DO????????

I wrote this and still today it hurts me, My family heard it and cried. It's heart breaking. I hate seeing little girls with there dads playing chase or catch or saying I love you daddy, I know it's selfish of me and some people don't even have parents. But In my heart I don't care, I just want my daddy back. I want to be able to just go up to him and be like I love you daddy, and ask him to play catch. Even though I know if he was still alive I don't know if my mom would be or if I would even be as strong. Today is his birthday and I miss him dearly. R.I.P KELLY ANSELMI.

I wish you would have thought every thing through, not of taken that last douse, in your semi, maybe you would see how great I am doing. I love you forever and always. 

 

Sliping again:/

These past four days have not been easy, I have restricted and sat by the toilet crying. I haven't purged in six months, and I was so close to doing it today. Right now I am watching anxiety meditation videos as well as listing to music that will hopefully put me in a better mood. As Demi would say "I am a warrior". I have to keep fighting. For some reason I am really struggling, It started once my stomach started to get swollen. It's really bugging me, I can't handle it. It scares me, it makes me feel like I'm going to get big again.. I can't, I will trip out! I have two doctors appt tomorrow, and I need them. I need to get with a neurologist, As well as therapy.  I'm super busy tomorrow. :). Which Will keep my mind bust as well. I need distraction, I will keep fighting. I need to, so I can do well in college, I don't need weight in the back of my mind. These idealizations need to GTFO of my head! I feel as if I'm freaking out because it's summer, and I don't want to go swimming, and my friends want to go to the water park and it scares me, because I'm not comfortable with anyone seeing me.  I won't even go swimming by myself. I can't wait for tomorrow. Hopefully my day's get easier! I need sleep got 3 hours last night! I am TIRED!

A slip in recovory

In August I was admitted into an Eating disorder treatment center. I was there for 9 weeks. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I missed two months of my senior year so I thought.  I discussed things that had been bothering me for 5 years. I talked about things I had never thought about before. On my first day I was told my plate had to be completely cleared, I was a smart ass and said want me to F-ing lick it? So I DID, By the time I left, I was happy I was grateful. I loved the workers. 3 months later I relapsed. I was there for six weeks. It was a lot harder this time. I felt like a failure, I was miserable. I cried a lot. I talked more in these six weeks, I have ever cried in my life. I talked about things, I went into great detail. I have been in recovery for 5 months. I never thought that this would be possible. Today is the first time that I have struggle extremely bad since I got out. I didn't eat until 430.  When I got to work It was hard for me to eat. I wanted to purge after eating, which  I haven't done in six months. I didn't do it and I felt extremely great for not doing it. For the last three days Restricting has been on my mind, it scares me. I leave in two moths and 9 days for college, I will be on my own, as well as playing an intense sport. Which scares me as well. Because I'll only being seeing my therapist once every two weeks, and I will have to monitor my eating which Is going to be very hard for me, especially if I am struggling. I go to the doctors on Monday and I just went last week, and I'm afraid I have lost weight. Which half of me is like HELL yeah, and the other half is screaming no! It means a slip in recovery which I don't want. I'm sick of this. I know it's going to be with me for a long time, and I won't get my hunger ques back for up to two years I guess the point of this post was just to vent..Hopefullt I get back on track, tomorrow is a new day! The picture below is me and my baby, He made me a little happier today. He keeps me sane! I love him!

Anxiety at an all time HIGH!

My mind has been rambling on and on lately. I'm trying to slow it down to get one story out, but then it rushes to the next subject. This is due to my anxiety. It has been at an all time high lately When I mean high I mean, I haven't been able to function normally. Hurting myself was popping up in my mind, so I could focus or feel something else. But I am 3 months and 14 days strong with no self harm, and I plan on making it longer. Due to my high anxiety I've had therapy twice this week!!!! That's how bad it is. It can run your life, for some it does, and mine is trying.. I mean really trying, it's like screaming in my head, I'm shaking, I am mumbling my words, I walk and it's not in a straight line. It's insane, I thought my anxiety was high before, DAMN! was I way wrong. I never thought my anxiety would make me feel paralyzed. I can only say it's worse when my PMDD reacts with it. Which sucks once a month. Because Not only do I not feel good, but I also have different symptoms then most. As I sit here and I am writing this my anxiety is high. I'm switching between here and Facebook because I can't focus. I write these blogs, for myself and my therapist. To try and distract myself, to focus on getting better. When I write these I go back and I read them to see if I have made progress week to week. I've noticed in the past week I've decreased, I went from POSITIVE POLLY, to NEGATIVE NANCY. I was doing very well and was on top of the world. Then in a blink of an Eye I felt like everything was crashing at once. 

Today, I had my graduation farwell assembely. I was awarded a scholarship for changing lives, it was awarded to me because I managed to pass while missing six months of my senior year. It made me realize even with my eating disorder and my severe depresion and anxiety and PMDD that I can come out on top. I just have to continue fighting this long, shaking battle that goes on within my mind and body everyday.