Positivity!

It's been weird lately. I have been in such a great mood. I have been positive Polly all week. It's really strange, I can't believe this past week. I have been having random story's been roaming in my head. 

Imagine your self walking, and there's nothing but silence and the things pondering in your mind. Close your eyes. And don't let anything bother you. Breathe in and out. Stay like this for a good 10 minutes. It helps you relive stress and it calms you down. Okay, before you do so, write down 3 things you love about your self. When your done with that, go ahead and process everything, then read this when your done.

There's a lot in my mind.but I don't know what it represents. If you read this could you tell me what you think it is.

I'm walking down this long path and it's winter and I sit down and I think out loud. "Do you see how everything is changing, it's like life. The snow is cold and it leaves everything dead around you. It's like the snow is people that try to bring you down. There cold heartd and they don't care if your dead or alive, so They try to kill your dreams.  Then you continue to walk and you see animals running in a pact, and you don't see anything chasing them, but then you see a lion. You realize that there running away, there terrified to get caught and to be eating. It's kind of  like your fears, your fears can drown you. So you run away from them, before you face them. I can't help but imagine things the way they are.

Well you know what it's been strange. I have a problem. I'm a compulsive picture taker. I take pictures to satisfy the habit to break myself down. I pick and tear apart everything that is wrong with me. But You know what I found four that I liked. 

 

InBetween

 

Today started of rough. I was tired, no sleep. I was so exhausted I could barley walk. I didn't feel good and I felt like shit, and I was putting myself down.  It changed once two people commented on my hair, and said how they liked it. It made me feel a lot better. I didn't really focus on my thoughts after that. I mostly tried to pump myself up for my tennis match tomorrow. The Adrian coach is going to be there and I'm kind of scared. Today I was told I was bubbly and vibrant. It was really random. But I didn't knock the comment down with sarcasm. I went to the wings game, and I wasn't focused on the calories I had consumed. I just kept eating and drinking like I was normal again :D. I felt like I did when I could eat anything. I felt like I was free, Now as I am sitting here, I am externally tired. And I want to fall asleep. But you know I can't. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Close your eyes for 5 mins, breathe. I want you to think to your self.  Think five things you like about yourself, Don't shoot down any of the comments. While you do that think to your self, what are you going to do for your self tomorrow? Your not going to shoot yourself down. en Joy YOURSELF TOMORROW.

The Inbetween

Have you ever pictured what it would be like to be in the in between? Take a walk and look around you, you see the sun setting, You can smell the flowers, and the fresh sent of ran, and it's the perfect temperature. It's like your little safe zone, Lately I have been imagining one and I'm going to tell you what it is.

Your walking around it's dark and your alone and scared. Your worst nightmares are appearing. Everything you were so afraid of is starting to happen. You close your eyes and you try to puss those dreams out. Well, once you slow those thoughts down, you can imagine positive ones.  

I'll be walking in the woods, With a never ending path. Everything U want, but then there are some things that scare you. You realize your stuck in life. Something you don't want to be in. Your terrified,  You feel ashamed. You walk, it's silent, you can't seem to figure out were you are, You here a tree fall and you wonder if anyone around you heard it. If you think about it, It's like when you feel like you look bad and you realize no one is paying attention to you. It's kind of the same thing. Well at least in my mind it is.

Believe

Tonight as I sit here I am pondering my thoughts. Obsessing over the tiny things. Which I probably shouldn't because it's just going to keep me up longer. But anyways, My thoughts are kind of every were. There jumping from Tennis on Tuesday to my two doctor appointments this week. And then I work. And How I do not want to go to school. But the one thing I can't really stop focusing on is the fact that I only have 16 days left of school and I will be a tennis player in Adrian college. If I keep the fire in my eyes that I had on Saturday then I will be good for sure. But one thing I do know for sure, is that the only way, I will be able to achieve it is if  I am in a healthy stand point, and my mental state is well. On Friday some people came to our school and talked about the percentage of drop outs.  Most due it's due because of Mental health reasons. That scares me, mostly because Lately I have been obsessing about my body. Like it's getting worse. It is kind of scaring me.  I can't help but think to myself, would it be bad if I lost weight? I mean I won't loose to much. But then I have to stop and think to myself, weight has nothing to do with this. You have to rationalize your thoughts. You need to continue on working on your self. You need to continue writing things you like about your self, and continuing to BELIEVE IN MY SELF!

Fire!

So today I was told by someone great that I have the fire in my eyes again. Which I would say I felt it. I did amazing with food and my mood was very high. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel held back by my insecurity's all day. I felt great. I played like I did when I was free! I felt great! Even though I had those thoughts in my head I didn't feel as if I had to fight them for them to go away. It was like they were just pondering around in my mind. I felt amazing. When I got back to Kennedy I took my hair out and it was really wavy, and It made me feel very insecure, and that's when my mood went down a little bit. But then when I went to Hannah's we jumped on her trampoline and I felt good. I felt as if I was a little girl again. Then we went and hung out With Cody, Frank, Robbie,Kelsi, and two others.  We hung out at the heritage martial arts. I got my ass kicked and was thrown to the ground. But it was worth it. I actually wanted to hang out and I had a blast. My energy is up. All the hard work  I am putting into my recovery right now is paying off!

Urgeses

Urges- A strong desire or impulse:

Some are good and some are bad and then some are extremely harmful. Some people have urges for sex, some have them to smoke, as well as drinking. Some urges are healthy to explore. Some are not good to explore.  When you have some sort of Mental illnesses you tend to explore things you shouldn't. When you find something you like, that you shouldn't, you want them even more. These are the kind of urges I have been having lately. To the extreme. Today in my session I quickly explained my urges to restrict. I told her why, which is simply, that I seen a girl who was thin last year and now she is a bit over weight. Which is very judgmental on my side. But that scared me, it made me think, now that I am eating healthy and I'm not engaging in behaviors that I could possibly loose weight. Which gives me the strongest urge to restrict or purge. Which is not good. I want urges that are great. Which Hopefully I am heading that way. Because I seen that one girl, I am terrified!! She had to look at me and say "how can you change that, you have to think you are not that girl. You can control what you do. Then she said what would happen if you gained 1 one pound." I looked at her and I was like "I can tell when I gain weight, I don't know how, I just can.  It's like I have this perception and I have like tunnel vision and the only thing I can focus on is were that 1 pound went." Then I went home and I thought about what she said, I am still afraid. I have been obsessing about it for the past two days. Which is something I should do. So I can RE think these thoughts and pick them piece by piece and figure out what is actully right and what my brain just focuses on.

This is also when everything comes into play, Feat,Strength,the choice rather you want recovery. It's basically just one big decision on you, So rather you want to cave into your urges or want to stay strong, it's up to YOU!

Old Habbits.

Today was another of day. Which was not intenitonal at all! I felt as if it was going well. I didn't make my self laugh, so it wasn't all bad. Just about 75 percent. Either way, it wasn't the best day I've ever had. I was so harsh on myself today. When I woke up, I immediately tried on multiple outfits. Then I stood in front of the mirror and critisized myself. Which I haven't done in about a week and a half. I feel as if I am slipping a little bit. I am so happy that I have an appt tomorrow. Because I have a lot of stuff to get of my chest.
Today, before my tennis game I was doing so well. I was so positive, all my shots were going in. I was so excited. I was telling my partner how we were going to do so great! Once we started playing I lost all hope. It was like someone had told me all of my dreams crashed to the ground. I have never played that way in my entire life.My game never picked up.
You wouldn't believe it, I just cried watching Hey Arnold. Because the horse almost died.
I am super emotional, and I feel out of control. Like I was never in control before.
Tomorrow is a half a day. I will be able to get some sleep, relax and get in control of myself.
I hate bad days. I feel as if I have had a lot. I am not going to let my self slip back. I did great with food today. I am eating a shake as we speak.
I feel self fish though, today I seen a girl who had gained A LOT of weight since last year and it scared me. The rest of the day I felt as if I was her. We look a like, kind of. And it triggered me to have like day dreams of how big I was getting. Even though I haven't gained weight and I've stayed the same, I feel as if I am gainning weight. It terrifies me. All I can picture in my head it some girl that I'm not. It terrifies me knowing what I could look like if I ate "normal". It kind of scares me.
The thought of restriction and to purge as well as self harm were in my mind today. But I did not do any of them. Which is extremely

hard for me. I want to engage but then I don't. I don't know I'm so confused.

I CAN DO IT!!!!!

I have been doing very well with recovery lately. But today I had a set back. I didn't really eat. All day I made myself smile, I made myself look "happy". Even though I was far away from it. I feel as if today is when everything finally sunk in. Everything I read about myself, yesterday at school. Wispering today. I just let it get to me. I didn't put up a battle at all. 

If you knew me 4 years ago, you would say I've change tremendously. I pretended like nothing was wrong! EVER! I had the "perfect" life. I was just extrealy strong. I didn't give two shit's about what someone said to me. I had been thorugh hell and back with personal stuff. I was one tough cookie! I never cried. When I did it was because my bubble finally burst. I would cry for hours. I would scream in the air, like someone could hear me out there. I would wish for so many things. Over the years I lost my back bone. I started letting things get to me, I began to care what others thought of me. I was always the girl that said "who gives a shit, be you. You're perfect". Now I'm the girl trying to take her own advice.

When your on the other side of the road, it's a lot different. You repeat everything everyone says to you. Your friends tell you to just not give a shit. But if you have ever been bullied severally and you know how it feels you wouldn't say get over it. Because It's not that easy. Some people have told me that I need to stop taking everything to heart. She's right. But she also has no idea what it's like to be bullied her entire life either. Or be cyber bullied.  She hates when people call her sick, because she's to thin.  That makes her upset. What if it was to switch? Everyone on someone else. Which I know happens every day. If it was you, YOU WOULD CARE. I don't care if you think or say you wont. You will never know until you're put in that situation.

Now that it's the end of the night, I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of myself. I let everything get to me. Which I haven't been in the past two days. 

I finally sat here and listened to my thoughts.  Which I have been blocking out. 

I guess the point of this blog is basically, you have your ups and downs wirh recovory, but it's up to you to choose which way you go.

STAY STRONG<3