You need to walk in my shoes before you Judge me

It has been ten day's since I have written my daily blog. I have been deciding if I should continue writing these or not. I am only doing this because I need an outlet, because If I tell my best friend I will be judged.

Eating disorder-Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits (such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia as well as binge eating)

I have a very bad week when It comes to eating, I haven't struggled this much in 6 and a half months. I haven't restricted this bad in a long time. It started the 20th. Why? I ask myself the same question. I have no idea, but it's effecting me. I'm irritable and rude, and I am pushing my best friend away. At this point I am scared Because Almost a year ago I was entered into my first admission into the RCC, and I feel as if I am relapsing. THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN! I go of to college in 20 days. I will have no one around me to help me when I am down. My best friend doesn't want to try to help me, I won't have anyone to talk to about it. The only outlet I will have is a phone call to my therapist. Which she can not help me much because I am not there for a session. I am terrified to leave, because I am doing bad right now. I am scared, more then that I am terrified.  Today I had a session and I have yet to ball in front on my therapist and I had tears in my eyes and I feel as if she wanted to hug me to make me feel better. Today's session really put me into place, she has never been this helpful to me.. Over the past weekend the only time I ate was in the morning because they had BBQ food at night, which is a fear food of mine, which I haven't had a grilled burgar in about 4 years. I tend not to eat junk food because it has to much sodium in it, and that's about all they had as well.  When I came back my therapist was very concerned. She's not sure if I should go to college. But I am GOING TO SUCK IT UP! I need to get away, and I feel as if It will help me if I do so. I am pretty sure getting away from my normal routine and into a new environment will be so good for me. I am just sad that My best friend judges me, and will not do anything to learn about my disorder which I have developed over 4 or 5 years. I have had body image issues since I was about 11. As well as self harm issues.  And yet I still get judge by her, I am her roommate and this has to change.

 

 

 

Don't know what I will do not being around the thing that makes me love life!

Perfectionism

So my therapist has me writing 2 to 3 papers a week. These have been the hardest that I have written. The first one is 

Perfectionism- a person who strives for or demands the highest standards of excellence in work, etc.

Which Is something that I strive for, I have been working on it for a while, And I have been writing topics on it doe a while.

Perfection is something I strive for, I want to be the best everything. Needless to say I fail at it almost every time. I always want to improce myself! exp; excelling in tennis, have a higher grade them my peers, looking better. I understand that perfection is not progress, it's only thing you want because it's something you can't have. I strive to be the "best" version of me. Id my "best" falls short of what I want, Then I strive for more. Having flaws makes me flustered, even though I understand everyone has flaws most are alright with having them. Growing up I hated that I couldn't be perfect.  In this world If your not pretty or have flawless skin or a perfect body you can't even be on a tabloid

This is a part of my writting it's about 7 pages long, so I don't feel like putting it on here. 

Growing up I was never good with grammar or punctuation and I'm still not. Which urks me. It makes my writing poor, or something that's not better then what I can do.

But you know what, I'm not perfect and I'm learning to cope with it.

When I saw the Demi concert she told the audince that it's okay not to be perfect flaws make you better. And I love that, it's helping me cope.

I took this picture, and it was amazing.  She sang her song and she was like " I still eat McDonald's baby, but that's just me." She pointed to her stomach when she said that. 

It helped me! I am doing better! Thank you Demi!

DEMI LAVOTO LIVE!

These past two days have been truly amazing, I won tickets to go see my Idol Demi Lavoto In Philly, Pa. I Was so close to her, Hannah and I swore she stared at us a lot. I had a bast it was woth the 22 hour car drive there and back. I never thought I would see her. I want to meet her.

One of my friends Morgan made a shirt and unfortunately I got it a day late, but it's okay because I'm representing with pride. I absolutely love it. And If you read this I want to say thank you!

I am going to have a few links In this post. A few are demi performing live, I had such an amazing time. She made me cry! She said she is there for all of us who have a mental illness, and that's when I started crying. I always wanted to hear her say that In public! In person, and she did!

skyscraper live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYh-Jg741xc

Heart attack and USA live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJu2J46uyZM

Demi talking to the crowd and almost gets hit in the face:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chwC64wY8eE

Okay there are more on my youtube :)

This shirt is my favorite I revived it in the mail today!

qoutes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xnDi_TEUmU

My room is full of things to make me feel better about myself. When I wake up, There is a a big picture that says "All things are possible if you believe". Then on my door I have six qouates. 

1.I am more then a number

2. You're BEAUTIFUL, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

3.you may shoot me with you words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still like air I'll RISE!

4.No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

5. I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper

6.A scale will  NOT define me!

Then on my table it says on my food mat- HEY YOU, YEAH YOU YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

then it says BE your own kind of BEAUTIFUL.

Then on my other wall it says stay strong.

I look at my friends quote page, and read two peoples blogs when ever they post them, they bring me up, they make me feel like RECOVERY is possible.  My therapist has been in recovery for a really long time. She makes me believe in myself as well.

Like I've said before an ED has a friend. Mine is attached to my hip, and has been for about a few days. She comes and goes.  Just like me, Sometimes I am here and sometimes I'm not. 

Down below is a blog of my if you really knew me video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xnDi_TEUmU

Weight loss/ weight gain

There is a friend to every Eating disorder, Mine is very close. Some times she is in my dreams and in my ear.  She is in my mind. Sometimes I feel as if she's the only one who understands me. But I don't want her as a friend. But when It comes to her I am very passive. Which I am working on, I'm not really passive with others, I'm more passive aggressive which isn't well either. But with her it's completely different, It's a love hate relationship. Sometimes I want her attached at my hip because she's there for me, she tells me what I want to hear. She's everything I want to be. But then I hate her, she is mean and a bully and puts me down. It's not the type of friend you want. You want someone who loves you for everything, not based on the way you look or the number on a scale. She yells at me for wearing my bracket. "Numbers do not define me, FREEDOM. As well as my tattoo it has the recovery symbol as the B for beautiful. I feel guilty because I am struggling. I have my good days, my bad days and then amazing says. I can shut her out sometimes. With her, it's always an argument.  I have a mirror in my head, I don't know what I really look like, All I can see are the flaws and the things I need to fix. I haven't been able to see the real me in about 3 years. I hear I'm Beautiful, I want to see it. I wish I could recollect the memories. I used to think I was beautiful, I didn't care about what I looked like, I walked with confidence. Nothing was wrong, I didn't mind. It didn't matter. I was happy nothing mattered. I was successful. I still am. I am learning things, I am happy with some of the about me. I like my smile and my eyes. Which I didn't like before. I am shocked to say that. I am working extremely hard on myself, but it has gotten better.

Eating disorder

 After

It has put a toll in my self confidence, and my health and my state of mind, but do to the recovory of six months, I have gained 20 pounds, It scares me, and It is making my eating disorder come back.:/ I'm going to keep fighting.

ROAD BLOCK

The stage of recovery that I am is a road block. You go down a road and you see a whole, you can either go around it: think about going around it and then walk into the whole because you're choosing between two hard things: Then the one were you don't even hesitate you just walk right in. For me I am in "I'll think about it and then walk into the whole because you can't choose which one you want". The whole day I was restricting. Then I went to my work and got a sub. Then I didn't eat till 1am. Which Isn't well either. But I'm stuck in a rut. When I was sitting there hanging out with my friends I was eating McDonalds. I tried to call my therapist but she still is out of town. I really needed her. But instead of having symptoms I held it in and went home to come vent. So, Here I go. I've gained 16 pounds now.  And it's all in my thighs and stomach, which bugs me so much. I'm not comfortable. I'm going on a no fast food diet and all natural food diet. I can't wait for tennis to start tomorrow. I have two hours of that then a massage. Tuesday I have a banquet then tennis then group. Wednesday I have therapy then work. Thursday I have tennis. Friday I have orientation as well as work. Then sat a grad party then sunday nothing. I am keeping my self busy. I am savoding staying in my room. I am going to stay out and do things.

Today I had to leave my friends do to my eating disorder. It controlled me. WHICH it hasn't in a REALLY LONG TIME. I'm getting back on track next week two days of therapy and t\group. Then the next week two days of therapy and two group! I am going to get back on track!

Realization

  I knew this girl once. She contained a powerful voice that she learned to use for good. She strives to better herself in every way, everyday. She was undeniably strong, with will power and determination that nobody could manage to hold back, no matter how hard they tried. She was kind hearted and free. She was motivated and motivating. She inspired and found inspiration in the world around her; every piece of it. Her smile was genuine and her laugh was whole. She walked with a confidence that others envied, and a grace that somehow magically overpowered her clumsiness.She was someone you wanted to be.
   This girl had a past. A past that people were unaware of because they only saw the surface of what I just described. But she was okay with that, because she no longer needed to wear her pain on her face and her body. Her past was unimportant. In her focus were her future triumphs. Her dreams and her career , along with a life full of love was where her sights were set. She was striving and thriving, not just surviving. People enjoyed to be a part of her new life, but very little knew of how deserving of it she truly was. Few knew of the struggles and the pain that took place on this road to where she was now standing. But for the ones who were there, it was a sight to see.
   As she looked back on the road traveled in her journey, she suddenly stopped. As she turned around I tried to warn her that she did not need to go back and pick up that bag full of darkness that was so heavy that she had finally made the decision to leave it behind. But she did anyways. She tried to explain that she was not ready to leave those things behind completely, that she knew how much heavier that her load would now be once again, but that she could handle it. While I knew she was wrong, there were no words to change her mind. The road for her began to feel longer and harder. She was tired, discouraged. It took too long for her to recognize that it was the bag on her back that was weighing her down. But it felt like it had become a part of her. As her journey continued, her outlook began to change. This bag, although closed tight, was causing such negativity for her. The view on the horizon was no longer bright and colorful like it was miles back, it was dull and dreary. Drop the bag. Open it up and empty it to make room for all the wonderful things that could be found as this path is being walked.
   I knew this girl. This girl with a free spirit, destined to fly. She was a person who could lose her way farther than anyone I know and be able to find her way back without a map or direction. She had a purpose, she was meant for something important. She just needed to discover it. That girl was me.

Before

 After

Swelling/body image

Today was suppose to be a day were you spend it with your family, most people did. I on the other hand couldn't. Before I left my house, I put on my favorite outfit and it didn't  fit because of my weight gain, it left me in a very bad state of mind. I didn't want to be out of my house. So I went home and put different clothes on and they didn't fit either, with my eating disorder it sent me of the wall. So I put my big girl panties on and got ready to go to my aunts house. When I arrived I was already holding back tears. Everyone was enjoying there time. I was asked if I was going to eat. However my aunt said for them to stop and they did. I had to leave.  So I left. Right when I got into the car tears ran down my face fast. I couldn't hold them in anymore, I probably cried for about an hour. I weighed myself, and I couldn't believe how much I had gained, With an ED most freak out over an ounce or one pound, But in my fact I went from 150 to 162. That's 12 pounds. I was crying even harder. But I did that to myself. I still ate and when I did I felt guilty. I have been doing great. 6 months strong, the longest time in 3 years. I felt so horrible for leaving my family on this holiday. It was extremely selfish of me. But I was not going to break down in front of them. I was so comfortable in my skin, and it's starting again. It can't, I leave for college in a month, To play tennis to begin a new chapter in my life. I have been doing therapy twice a week and groups. However my therapist would be gone the week I need her most. My best friend is gone so I can't confine in her.  So I've been distracting myself by working a shit ton. I was so happy That I had work so I wouldn't have to think about it.  But then I got cancelled.  My mind started to wonder. It wouldn't stop. When my brother got home Instead of picking on myself I took my aggression out on him. Matt I am sorry. I didn't mean to take my self hate on you. I have been considering going back to rehab before college. For 2 weeks for a booster, to help me deal with the swelling in my stomach. I have to confine in my therapist and have her give me some suggestions. You know what FUCK society for making people feel like they have to be perfect. I can't stand it.  I will get back on track! I will get back to this point!

self defeating thoughts

So I have been struggling with a passion lately.  I have been on the edge, it would be the week my therapist goes out of town. No way to get a hold of her. It sucks, Because I need her this week. Yesterday at  ceder point, I ate, and stooped myself from having any symptoms I stayed with my aunt so I couldn't purge.  I haven't purged in about a week now! Which is good, this morning I woke up and got an email suggesting that I go to treatment again for a booster, but I can't because I work 30 hours a week know.  And It will just make me worse. I'll be surrounded by people who are negative and I don't need that right now! I can do this with the work of my group and my twice a day therapy. To bad Kim is gone till Wednesday. I'm happy I have group tomorrow, I need it even though it's only an hour. 

By my friend Morgan her quote is "No one heals with out a struggle". She's right, she just made a shirt that says "You may have to fight a battle more then once to win it" I am going stronger because of her words of encouragement. If you read these thank you. I've been depressed but when I GO to work I get happy, so I'm excited I work everyday this week except for Sunday. Which I wonder if anyone will ask me to cover for them. I am going to be tired. 

So, people don't understand eating disorders, and they look at you like your retarded. It's complicated you won't understand unless you learn about it. But some people are to judgmental to even care, which really hurts. It kinda bugs me that my own best friend looks at me like I'm a freak.  I don't like being judged exspecially by my best friend, it kind of sucks. I'm not going to lie. 

People ask why I'm always at the dr's. I go three times a week, and when I say what for, Hannah goes Oh, and gives me attitude and then treats me different, others look at me and get silent. To me, your stronger if you seek help then get worse by the day. I held it in for a long time, and then it led to me self destructing. So I recommended it.