Losing control/ trying to gain it back

 

Anxiety can be paralyzing at least for me it is.  I am writing this with painful anxiety. My heart is pounding so heart, my blood pressure I assure you is sky rocketing.  I start class tomorrow, and practice, I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to keep my eating habits on schedule. Which terrifies me because I'm struggling as it is. I don't want it to get any worse. In my session on Saturday, my therapist told me she was starting a new class to help me improve my ed. It touched my heart, she said  I'm the first patient she has had that has had an eating disorder, and she want's to help me in anyway possible. It made me feel as if there is recovery at the end of the road for me.  So new techniques are going to be happening in October. I know I have said "That session was probably the best I've ever had". But you know what, the more you say it the more you know you are recovering. Which is progress and that is most important. When you're in college you have to worry about school, sports, eating and planning and relaxing and not being over stressed. Unless I prioritize I will feel out of control, which will fuel my Eating disorder even more. It's scary realizing that. No matter how much my brain thinks it's a good idea, deep down in my hear I am fighting really hard to not give in to temptations. I have so many ideas in which I can loose weight around this, and I know I can't. It's not healthy I will loose all focus on tennis and school. Which I do not want.  I don't want to loose that like I did my senior year of school. That really hurt me and made me feel like a failure, but then deep down, your health is more important then anything else. You can't function unless you are healthy. As  I get deeper writing this my heart is beating faster, and my vision is getting burly and I'm getting hot! Which means when I am done with this I need to lay down and take some deep breaths and relax. So I don't become overwhelmed. I also have to find time for therapy, because I'm moving forward and I don't want to move backwards. 

This whole situation makes me feel like a baby chick who's wings haven't fully developed, so she can't fly forward until they grow. If I don't work on this I won't grow. Which means I'll be stuck in the same spot for a long time. I have to practice over and over until I get the confidence to finally jump and thrive and be free. Away from being alone, away from being held back.

The real question I ask my self everyday is, are you going to get better to help others, but remember you have to help your self first before you help anyone else, so are you going to do it? Everyday it's a different answer.  I want to strive and fly and grow. But then I want to stay in the same position because letting go of control frightens me and makes me shake and it doesn't feel good. So basically this post is about growing and making the right decision even though you can't make up your mind.

Will I be free? 

Take it by day, recovery is different for everyone. When you slip start over tomorrow. Day by day you'll grow. Don't think about the future think about the present moment.

 

Change can be good even if it really hurts you.

I know I've been writing about my friend in this a lot lately, but yesterday and today are were I draw the line! Yes yesterday was fun until, Hannah, Ashley and I got back to the hotel. Ashley went and got her stuff.. Hannah was tired and I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with us, and she was like I'm going to be you and say Idc, about everything. That hit me deep. She was like you say it so here I go. I was like you're not funny, she was like I think so. I was like " YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT". I have major depression, anxiety, self harm and a freaking eating disorder. I don't want to go into public with you because people compare me to you constantly. It's hard. She was making fun of me, I was already super emotional because I have been struggling. I went to the bathroom and I cried. When Ashley got back we went to the movies. Today, she was rude to me none stop. Apparently her dad doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I said I don't care, maybe he shouldn't verbally abuse you and kick other people down. He lost all his respect for me because I got his FUCKING daughter into Adrian. If it wasn't for me, she would be at freaking HFCC. So I'm sorry I got your daughter into a good school. And you know what I could give to shits if you like me. Because for one, you think you're right about everything. You say hurtful things and you comment on things that are none of your damn business. So you no what IDGAF if you think I shouldn't be her friend. Because be happy we're drifting apart anyways. I'm pushing her away. Everyone says we shouldn't be friends anymore, and I kind of agree. So here are some last pictures of us. 

Unless she changes the way she treats me and her father gets over himself.

 Free makeover

 Supporting gay rights

 Being silly in the dorm

 Selfie

 Yay! new friends are fun :)

How dramitical I change from yesterday to today.

I've noticed lately that I have many good days and a lot of bad days. Yesterday was a terrific day and now today after lunch it became horrendous. For lunch I had a cheeseburger for the first time in almost 5 years. And now I am regretting every little bit of it... I came back to the dorm and took a nap, hoping it would make me feel better, it didn't. I was hoping to god that it would. I woke up feeling worse about my self. Hannah wanted to play tennis, so instead of isolating I went out and played tennis. My confidence went down even lower. I wasn't hitting well at all. I couldn't serve. I was just a hot mess. Then dinner came a long and I really liked what I had, the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about, maybe you should start cutting back on food. You're eating a lot and not working out or playing enough tennis, you're going to get freshman 15 if you don't change your eating habits. My mind just kept on going, So about 10 mins ago, I went onto 100 why to recover. And I read about maybe 20. And my mood is still down. I have been fighting tears for like the past hour. Because my best friend isn't sympathetic. She would just be like "Oh" And then go back to what's she's doing. I don't have anyone here to help me, if you read this please inbox me advise. 

College life! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

As most of you know I am in College! I moved Sunday, I am having the time of my life! Making new friends, EATING! Yes, I said eating 3 meals a day and a ton of snacks nothing is holding me back at this moment. Today My stomach was swollen but I fought against my inner thoughts and I went had lunch with my roomie, My bbf. Lmao I am enjoying my time away from home, away from therapy and just living a life I never thought I would have. It's an adventure I am happy I get to experience. Today my therapist called, I told her how well I was doing and her words of encouragement and hearing "I'm proud of you really makes your day. Especially when It evolves your Eating disorder. My days have be packed fill. Another amazing thing, I am able to exercise again, It's great! I love it. I walked 3 or more miles today, and I plan on going to the gym after I wright this. Starting this new chapter in my life, even though it's only been 3 days, I am still astonished on how well I am doing, I am having a ton of support from loved ones I met. My therapist is checking up on me, making sure I'm eating and doing things I should be. I am just stoked that when I did walk three miles I wasn't concerned on loosing weight, or how many calories I was burning :). It makes me happy, I'm sleeping which if you don't know, I usually don't. Even though classes haven't started and the stress and control will be out of me I going to continue to try and work as hard as I am right now. less then 20 mins ago Hannah and I decided we were going to take pictures, I was hesitant at first, but then I was like SCREW it have fun, and I did. We took a lot of pictures :). I like them all which I usually don't.  This post even though It's not anything huge, It is in it's own ways. It means progress, which means recovery is in my future.

This morning started out rough My confidence was down and I was a wreck, I wanted to call Kim and ask her for advice but I can't do that, I can't rely on someone who won't always be there, have to do it from friends and most importantly my self. I really am positive Polly right now. We're going to Chicago in a a day and a half and I am happy. Hannah is watching over my should. Reading this as I type it. WEIRDO.  Now shes like on top on me, messing around. Well Enjoy some pictures. Of the happy me :)

Working hard and being judged for it

I haven't worked this hard on my eating disorder in a long time.  It's been intense, I've been writing daily, pushing myself and challenging myself. Lately Everyone has been telling me "Leave all your stuff behind, the past is the past". But you can't move on unless you work on things that really bother you. Which I am doing, I will continue therapy no matter how many people tell me to get over myself. I don't want to end up like someone who will never get help with there problems, and drink or do drugs to feel the void. I will get help. I will overcome my Eating disorder, I will overcome self harm and suicidal idealizations, I will over come body image, I will overcome my anger towards others, my anxiety and my depression. I started therapy a year ago, I am doing much better now. I'm not thinking of hurting myself all the time. Which is a HUGE accomplishment. I am working on comparing myself to others, including my best friend who  I do the most. Because growing up I've been asked, "Is it hard to be friends with someone who is stunning?" "No wonder you have an eating disorder your best friend has the perfect body and she could be a model and then there's you, you can't even pull curvy of right". So comparing myself to my best friend is a big thing that I am trying to overcome.  As well as comparing myself to others because I do it A LOT! All I know Is that I am sick of people telling me I should be ashamed of who I am, because I struggle. Well at least I am getting help like you didn't. Which makes me SO mad. At least I have enough balls to get help.

So judged me for being brave, but look at yourself, do you do things you hate? Because of your past? Like drink to cover up the pain? I am not going to get to that point.

Stepping out of your comfort zone!

So my cousin is too young to understand what's wrong with me, But she still didn't hold back her advice. A few day's ago I had a reality check. She said " You say don't judge others, but why do you always judge yourself. When I heard that come out from an 11 year olds mouth I was shocked and was like wow. 

I went up north for the past 2 days, I had planned on eating very little and purging if I did. But guess what this girl did? She fought against her self. She ate a shit ton of candy, pizza, EVEN WENT TO 2 RESTAURANTS.  Which is all out of my comfort zone. But I did do it anyways. I didn't swim with clothes on beside of course my bathing suit. Cause that would be awkward :0.. Lol, but I did well, and I took advice from my therapist. I even had MARSHMALLOWS! lol. This may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but when you struggle with an ED you don't want to swim cause you feel ugly, nasty, E.T.C. But still. I even went with my boyfriend and I still stepped out of my comfort zone, and splurged in food, and didn't wear a shit ton of clothes while swimming. Going out of town with your best friends and bf is a HUGE step for me, I don't even like being out of my room. But hey If I want RECOVERY this is what I have to do. I have to step out of my comfort zone. I literally just didn't care this weekend. I don't know what was different, but it felt like I was actually happy. I had a reality check there as well. Everyone said I zone out a lot, and then I become depressed. I realize when I do that I go to my ED thoughts, and I'm consumed in them and  I just don't know what to do.  I only snap out because people call my name. It's happened once! So You know that's progress! Another note I am going out AGAIN tonight. Stepping out AGAIN! I am on fire these past 3 days.  Today has been a struggle.

BUT HEY WHO SAID RECOVERY WAS GONNA BE EASY!

I entered treatmeant a year ago today

Some people may say this past year has gone by slow, but for me it's the exact opposite. I was entered into an Eating Disorder treatment facility a year ago today. The River centre Clinic. I was 17 and put onto the Adolescent unit. There were only 2 of us for my first 3 weeks then I met my great friend. And then only three for some time. I was there for 9 weeks.  I remember my first day very clearly.  I couldn't stop shaking because my anxiety was higher then it has every been. I met with a therapist who showed me the food area. I was calm unlike others. Because As an adolescent I chose to go in on my own. I went and talked to some therapist because mine wasn't there. And then I sat down for my first meal. It took me a while to eat it. By the time I was done, she told me to get the crumbs. I looked at her and was like "WANT ME TO F-ING LICK IT?" Then I did, being the smart ass I am. I went to my first group and could NOT stop shaking.  I was scared. But who isn't on there first day right? The next few days I was literately sick. From the food, nerves and my therapist not being there.  I was soo scared. I remember the  Adults asking me how I was doing, and I ate with them every day for my first 5 weeks because there were either 2 or 3 of us there. By then end of treatment. I dealt with things I never have, I got to process the fact that I missed 2 months of my senior year. I was not happy with the amount of food I had to eat, I did not like anything going on, but it was the best for me. Towards the end it got tough because my therapist was diagnosed with Breast cancer, and I couldn't really talk to her. So I continued to act like nothing was wrong. I went home finally. I was there from aug 6 to oct 24. I did well for a moment, Then Ii relapsed, I was re entered on my own will, yet again. I was put in dec 25 the day after  CHRISTMAS! I went back in as an Adult, and it was way different. In these six weeks I opened up more then I did the first time. I meet some nice people who are here in my recovery helping me today and who I still talk to. My new therapists helped me a lot. I went from Kimmie and then to both Kimmie and Meggan, and they really helped me. I have been home since feb 12. So it's been 6 months and 6 days.  I am on my way to college in 12 days. I still struggle I'm not "Perfect" Because there is no such thing. I work really hard, I go to therapy twice a week and two groups a week. I'm not doing amazing, but I am doing well. Tonight at my group we each have a topic for like 20 mins, and I'm going to discuss this topic. I can not believe it's been a year. I am in such a better place then I was a year ago..If it wasn't for them and the people I met I wouldn't be here, or I would be in a very bad place. I'm thankful I found them. Were I am going to college if I struggle The RCC is 30 minutes away, and I can get help. But I don't see that happening.

Thank you to those who are still there for me and help me in my Recovor proccess!

You two have helped me the most! Thank you so much!

 Thank you so much love!

Thank you So much, You guys helped me through my recovory and your still here to help me this day!

I love you guys!