Pain/healing/strength

Pain-mental or emotional suffering or torment

Healing- To become whole and sound; return to health.

 

I've been through a lot of pain in my life.  I have been mentally abusing my self for years. I've also  been through a lot of emotional abuse from others around me.  I've been harassed, I've been jumped. I've been threatened.

I have done so many harmful things to my self that I used to regreat. I was ashamed of what I have done. But my pain and suffering shows that I'm strong and I can keep moving.

People ask me, about my scars. And I say "I'm not ashamed of them, they show a different story" It also shows that I am healing, because there are no ,ore bright red marks on my arms, or my legs. There are just scars. Some faded and so permanent. I am not going to be ashamed by them. It show's strength.

Today, I have had sooo many urges to cut. But I didn't, why? Because I'm healing, and in this mind state I don't want anymore pain. I was put through a lot today. At voc I was threatened to get jumped and people were going to key my car. I cried and sat in my friends car for an hour. The teacher sat there and made sure I was safe... At that moment tears running down my cheek, sobbing to the point wear I can't breath. I wanted that pain to go away, I didn't want to feel scared or hurt anymore, It's all I could think about.

But that's when "healing" comes into play.

It's when I have to push my self and prove to myself that I am stronger then my urges.  I can go longer then I have ever before. I can be free. I can't let people bring me down anymore. There is no point. Hopefully that saying will get stuck in my head.

Fear/being let free

Fears-a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

 

When you struggle with any kind of illness, Fear is something that is constantly on your mind. 

Having cancer, a mental illness, or any other kind of illness. Fear is awaiting you at every corner, when you wake up. When you go to bed, when you get in a car with friends.

I know for me, fear plays a big role in my eating disorder. I'm scared to go out in public, I'm terrified of food, and of weight gain. I fear the unkown, I am always on the look out for something wrong to happen. 

Another thing that goes through your mind would is will I ever recover. I know that's on my mind as much as fear, it might be a little more. I can't help but think it can never happen. That's when fear comes in, I'm terrified that I don't have enough strength to recover.

When I sit there and those thoughts ponder through my mind I usually let them go at large, feeling to tired to fight agaisnt it. I always say whats the point. But in the past week, I have beem facing my fears, I'm eating food again, the kind that scares me to death. I mean for real in your mind I know your thinking, " It's just food". But in my mind, it's omg, a calorie. You don't need that, it will make you fat, go play a game. If your hungry in a hour that's when you will eat. Some times I cry, and just think how life would be with the fear gone.

It is different with every dieases, And I guess from my point of view, it's a big thing for me. I am so afraid. I've never let fear rule me. But for the past 3 years, it's made me paralyzed. 

I am slowly starting to let fear out of my mind. I am knocking walls down fast, because I am not letting fear control me anymore!

 

Cyber bully, Bulling.. I WILL FIGHT BACK!

Bullying- is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. 

 

  I've known quiet a few bullies in my life. I never thought it could get any worse. When I was in the 4th grade, I was jumped over and over again, by the same people. I also had a different group of people try to jump me. I was afraid to get of the bus. I was afraid to go to school. But I made it!. I wasn't bullied as bad in Middle school.
   
    People always told me it would get easier. Just wait until you get to high school, every thing is different then. Well, it hasn't changed for me. However it has gotten worse over the year. And starting about a month ago, I began getting harrased by students at Kennedy. People were coming up to me and calling me ugly.

ugly-  very unattractive or unpleasant to look at; offensive to the sense of beauty; displeasing in appearance.  

     Until a few days ago, this is how I took it. But Thinking and rationalizing my thoughts I've come to determine this is what they really meant.

Ugly-threatening trouble or danger.

    

        I was always told this is why people picked on me, And you know what, after writing and talking it out and thinking about it. I realized, Some people only bully me because they feel inferior around me.   

When I wrote things down to figure out why? This is what I came up with.

• I'm very athletic

  I have been accepted into a private school, to play tennis

  I have people around me at school who love me

  I'm not afraid to stick up for myself or others.

   

  

  I was repeating everything these bullies said to me or wrote about me over and over again. Which I do to myself.

  I'm my own Bully, but that is changing.

  I will not let others make me feel inferior with out my consent. This was told to me by someone very near and dear to my heart, who tried beating this into my head, by repeating it over and over again.

  And you know what, Screw them. I'm stronger and better then that. I will rise above and rationilize my thoughts and sort them into a pile.

  I'm me, and I'm learning to accept the fact, that I may not be the prettiest, or the skinnest, or the funniest. But I'm me, and a lot of people love me that way. So why try to change that? Because a bully said so? Because they told me to die? No! To many people love me. 

  I AM ME, AND I NEED TO ACCEPT THAT, AND SO DO MY FELLOW CLASS MATES AS WELL AS THE INFERIOR PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN TAUNT ME.

  You are stunning. You are absolutely perfect in every single way and I am so so sorry that you can't see it. You are so breathtaking and I wish that you knew how amazing you really are. I wish that you never had this disease because you are so much better than you will ever believe. You shouldn't be sorry for anything, you are at no fault! I promise that it will all get better, tomorrow is another day and you will still be gorgeous! Keep your chin up, amazing things are coming your way:) 

  This quoate is helping me! And it is helping me heal!