Eating disorders to others vs reality

An eating disorder is an addiction, not a pretty one at that. Tons of people out there believe it's easy to loose weight while restricting. They don't think it's hard. I went around my college campus and did a questionair for my sociology class. Every answer was basically the same just worded differently. They all said they restricted for a few days, and lost 3 pounds and felt great so they stopped and then put why can't they stop. The reality of an eating disorder is below

• Laxatives in movies: Person immediately has blow-out diarrhea, with much hilarity.
• Laxatives in real life: Person waits six hours.. twelve hours.. forgets about taking laxatives.. then has blow-out diarrhea, usually in a public place, with much embarrassment.
• Purging in movies: Person sticks finger down throat, daintily pukes quietly into toilet, flushes, and looks fabulous.
• Purging in real life: Person sticks whatever is available down throat, struggles to puke, makes dying walrus noises, finally vomits, vomit comes out nose, gets vomit and toilet water splashed into face and hair, snots and drools for several more minutes, flushes, washes combination of vomit and snot off face, still looks like a train wreck and smells like vomit.
• Fasting in movies: Person never eats, ever, is super happy, and immediately becomes emaciated.
• Fasting in real life: Person fasts until the hunger overtakes the mind, finally breaks down and eats whatever is available, cries and is miserable, takes months to lose a significant amount of weight because metabolism is dead.
• Over-exercise in movies: Person runs for hours on the treadmill, looks fabulous and toned.
• Over-exercise in real life: Person struggles to run for hours on the treadmill, stumbles with shaking legs for the last hour, still looks flabby due to muscle wasting.
• Anorexics and bulimics in movies: Severely emaciated, everyone concerned.

• Anorexics and bulimics in real life: Come in all sizes, usually of "normal" weight, very few people notice or concerned. 

Eating disorders are not for fun AND they are not easy.  So many people think there easy and from exsperence it has made my life a living hell. 

Some even said they want to go down that path, I was astonished to hear that. Who WANTS to choose this path, I know I didn't.  The people in my survey also suggested that the people who suffered were pathetic and just wanted attention, in my case;  no that is not what happened.

People make assumptions and don't allow them selves to fully understand the situation. Which makes the person suffering have a tougher time dealing with the situation.....

On a better note today is LOVE your body day, so do something nice for it. Feed it, don't harm it. Draw a butterfly on it so you won't harm it. Do something that will satisfy it.

Discomfort with food.

The only way I can write this, is either while eating or after eating. Right now, I am eating tacos. It's my first time eating all day, and it's 9pm. I am stuck after my first taco. I love Tacos. The taste is magical, and it satisfies my craving. At first I was ecstatic, and was like Matt, lets go get food! He was shocked to hear that, because he knows I have been struggling. I am feeling disgust, and overwhelmed all at the same time.I don't really know how to right this, I feel ridiculous even thinking that I have a lot hate relationship.
  Since I was little I had to ask for food, most of the time I was told No. I had to ask for something to drink, anything in between. I was overweight, but I thought it didn't matter because my food was being controlled and I was being monitored. But then I started getting made fun of, and I started not eating at school, and keeping the money my mom gave me. It started when I was 14, But that was the only meal I skipped. And I had to eat whatever everyone else was eating.Which I never realized was a lot. Everyone in my family in morbidly obese, which also scares me. My mom used to say don't have more than two plates of spaghetti you'll end up like the family, with diabetes or overweight. Then My step dad would be like, continue to eat like that and you'll end up like me, "FAT". Which made my obsession with food go insane. So I ate every thing and anything. Which is when I weighed almost 200 pounds. So my relationship with food has been of whack for quiet some time. I loved food, it tasted great, and It gave me tons of energy to play all 5 sports in a day. I was still gaining weight, but it didn't matter. That's when I started getting commented on the weight I was gaining and said, maybe you shouldn't eat so much.
   That Is when food became my enemy, I realized that if I cut down my food and play my sports I would loose weight. But while going through this process, I began loosing my family, everyone was dying and people were leaving,  I HATE SAYING THIS, IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS! I needed something to control, So I started restricting and it felt great! I was so happy I began getting smaller, and the picture came into my head, the smaller you get the prettier you'll get. So I kept restricting I went from 197 to 143 in less then two months. And guess what No one noticed. I Started feeling ashamed.  I couldn't play basketball or softball anymore, so I stopped. I went and got help on my own.
   But I've been in treatment two times. I did well and food was my friend. Now, that I was gaining weight and I'm in college I feel like I have to kept up my figure or loose weight. I am around so many skinny people, it makes me feel inferior. So My hate for food came back all the way. Every time I eat I feel ashamed, and I feel not worthy. and So I don't eat. I am not doing it for attention, I don't like attention focused on me unless it's positive. I do it for myself. Which I know is bull shit, because in part of me, I want to eat and then the mental games start in my head. Since I've started college, I went from weight to weight, and it was getting higher, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I have been restricting like crazy. I only ate probably 1000 calories from Monday till Friday. Which your supposed to eat more then that in a day.
  I find it easier to do other things while eating so I'll eat it. My 3 tacos are gone, and my step bro gave me cake. It's still on my plate, and It's hard to even look at it. I want to purge, but I am at home, and people are here, so I can't. Which is a good thing because I don't need to! No matter how bad I feel, and all the feelings that are inside me. I feel hate and disgust. So there you go Kim, I'm not sure if this is what you wanted, but it's all I've got.

One step back, another foot forward

Eating disorders come in one size: Miserable.  

Everyday through you struggles you want to give up, but some were deep inside you there is a voice that is telling you not too, because you'll lose your best friend. Someone who makes you comfortable, tells you ways to make your self look better; on the other note it's your worst enemy, you can't focus, your ability to play a sport goes down. You don't want to leave your room. Your body image gets worse. Instead of paying attention in class your viewing other people, wondering how skinny they got. At least for me that is how everything is working at the moment. I have been writing positive affirmations of the wall, talking to people who are trying to help me. Everything has gone down hill in the past few days, I mean a dramatic change. I mean the thoughts have never went away, but the were silenced for a moment in time.  I have been feeling guilty after eating again, but I have not purged which makes me feel a lot better, that I'm not engaging in symptoms not matter how much I want to. I am struggling without the support of my therapist twice a week, and group twice a week, I grew fond to it. It made me look on the brighter side, I was finally becoming happy. Now I feel as if I need more, my depression has gotten a lot worse. And my anxiety is flared. It was so bad during my exam yesterday that my vision went blurry and I couldn't read the questions, I was one out of two who were in the class still, and that makes me feel insecure and not smart enough to be in this class. I've literally have been crying for the last two days. Tears are good and I am accepting that, I am finally letting myself feel other emotions. A lot of people are saying it's all in my head. DAMN right it is, its in my freaking brain, of course it is, but it's a mental illness not matter how much I hate that word, that is what it is. I am working on my problems once a week, as I try to get better.  I am opening up a lot more, and it's heart breaking. This topic has become very hard on me. I don't want to be one of the people who suffer who are in and out of treatment there whole life. I want the right help. I need a nutritionist or a dilation, and therapy and group settings, it will help me heal faster being around people who will help me. I want to be free like a bird, I want to sore. I don't want to have a broken wing. I am sick of feeling trapped. I want to feel like I have support were I am. I am miserable, and I don't have any confidence. Mmy body image is getting so bad to the point were I want to just wear baggy clothes again, because my stomach isn't "flat enough" Which in relitic that is what my ED is telling me in my head.. I want to be the girl who overcame her ED and became strong and helpful. Yes I am good at giving advice, I help a lot of people.  But when it comes to taking my own advice I avoid it, because I believe for me it wont happen. To all of you who suffer with ED or disordered eating, stay strong. 

 

 

loosing friends AND feeling ALONE!

 

Well, as I head into my third week at college, I have to say things are getting a lot harder. My emotions are every were, I feel like my head is spinning and doesn't know when to stop. I feel empty and lonely, I feel ashamed and insecure. I feel as if everyone is leaving me. I have a friend who hasn't responded to any of my texts, I have my best friend who I am constantly fighting with. I am alone at college. It scares me and I have no one to lean on. School isn't hard so far, I actually really like it. It puts me out of my comfort zone, and it's helping me pursue the career that I've always wanted. This summer I found myself relying on therapy twice a week and groups twice a week. I didn't want to slip up right before I went to college. Now that I am in college I am slipping up quiet a bit. I'm struggle a lot, with no one around me there to help. Because I'm used to therapy twice a week and talking about why I'm struggling helped me a lot. I felt like I was getting better. Now I get therapy maybe 1 in 3 weeks. And It is really hard for me. My brain is satisfied, it's happy I'm repeating old habits, but my heart is crushed. I am depressed, I only want to sleep and stay in my dorm. I am comparing my self to everyone and it's difficult. It's all related. My mom said it's because of the transition I am in. Feeling out of control, being on my own. This is what I was afraid of. Slipping. It's almost been a full year to wear my symptoms haven't been bad, were my suicidal idealizations have been gone. Were I haven't been isolating. Everything has come back, but the idealizations.  I have the urge to self harm, but I don't want to. So when I get those urges I call Kim. And she calms me down. Which I am thankful that she is there for. I am tearing up right now, because I feel alone. I want my friends back, I want them here to help me. I want someone around me who I can vent to. Who will help me when I fall. But I don't have that around me there. Which Is very hard. 

Losing control/ trying to gain it back

 

Anxiety can be paralyzing at least for me it is.  I am writing this with painful anxiety. My heart is pounding so heart, my blood pressure I assure you is sky rocketing.  I start class tomorrow, and practice, I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to keep my eating habits on schedule. Which terrifies me because I'm struggling as it is. I don't want it to get any worse. In my session on Saturday, my therapist told me she was starting a new class to help me improve my ed. It touched my heart, she said  I'm the first patient she has had that has had an eating disorder, and she want's to help me in anyway possible. It made me feel as if there is recovery at the end of the road for me.  So new techniques are going to be happening in October. I know I have said "That session was probably the best I've ever had". But you know what, the more you say it the more you know you are recovering. Which is progress and that is most important. When you're in college you have to worry about school, sports, eating and planning and relaxing and not being over stressed. Unless I prioritize I will feel out of control, which will fuel my Eating disorder even more. It's scary realizing that. No matter how much my brain thinks it's a good idea, deep down in my hear I am fighting really hard to not give in to temptations. I have so many ideas in which I can loose weight around this, and I know I can't. It's not healthy I will loose all focus on tennis and school. Which I do not want.  I don't want to loose that like I did my senior year of school. That really hurt me and made me feel like a failure, but then deep down, your health is more important then anything else. You can't function unless you are healthy. As  I get deeper writing this my heart is beating faster, and my vision is getting burly and I'm getting hot! Which means when I am done with this I need to lay down and take some deep breaths and relax. So I don't become overwhelmed. I also have to find time for therapy, because I'm moving forward and I don't want to move backwards. 

This whole situation makes me feel like a baby chick who's wings haven't fully developed, so she can't fly forward until they grow. If I don't work on this I won't grow. Which means I'll be stuck in the same spot for a long time. I have to practice over and over until I get the confidence to finally jump and thrive and be free. Away from being alone, away from being held back.

The real question I ask my self everyday is, are you going to get better to help others, but remember you have to help your self first before you help anyone else, so are you going to do it? Everyday it's a different answer.  I want to strive and fly and grow. But then I want to stay in the same position because letting go of control frightens me and makes me shake and it doesn't feel good. So basically this post is about growing and making the right decision even though you can't make up your mind.

Will I be free? 

Take it by day, recovery is different for everyone. When you slip start over tomorrow. Day by day you'll grow. Don't think about the future think about the present moment.

 

Change can be good even if it really hurts you.

I know I've been writing about my friend in this a lot lately, but yesterday and today are were I draw the line! Yes yesterday was fun until, Hannah, Ashley and I got back to the hotel. Ashley went and got her stuff.. Hannah was tired and I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with us, and she was like I'm going to be you and say Idc, about everything. That hit me deep. She was like you say it so here I go. I was like you're not funny, she was like I think so. I was like " YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT". I have major depression, anxiety, self harm and a freaking eating disorder. I don't want to go into public with you because people compare me to you constantly. It's hard. She was making fun of me, I was already super emotional because I have been struggling. I went to the bathroom and I cried. When Ashley got back we went to the movies. Today, she was rude to me none stop. Apparently her dad doesn't want us to be friends anymore. I said I don't care, maybe he shouldn't verbally abuse you and kick other people down. He lost all his respect for me because I got his FUCKING daughter into Adrian. If it wasn't for me, she would be at freaking HFCC. So I'm sorry I got your daughter into a good school. And you know what I could give to shits if you like me. Because for one, you think you're right about everything. You say hurtful things and you comment on things that are none of your damn business. So you no what IDGAF if you think I shouldn't be her friend. Because be happy we're drifting apart anyways. I'm pushing her away. Everyone says we shouldn't be friends anymore, and I kind of agree. So here are some last pictures of us. 

Unless she changes the way she treats me and her father gets over himself.

 Free makeover

 Supporting gay rights

 Being silly in the dorm

 Selfie

 Yay! new friends are fun :)

How dramitical I change from yesterday to today.

I've noticed lately that I have many good days and a lot of bad days. Yesterday was a terrific day and now today after lunch it became horrendous. For lunch I had a cheeseburger for the first time in almost 5 years. And now I am regretting every little bit of it... I came back to the dorm and took a nap, hoping it would make me feel better, it didn't. I was hoping to god that it would. I woke up feeling worse about my self. Hannah wanted to play tennis, so instead of isolating I went out and played tennis. My confidence went down even lower. I wasn't hitting well at all. I couldn't serve. I was just a hot mess. Then dinner came a long and I really liked what I had, the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about, maybe you should start cutting back on food. You're eating a lot and not working out or playing enough tennis, you're going to get freshman 15 if you don't change your eating habits. My mind just kept on going, So about 10 mins ago, I went onto 100 why to recover. And I read about maybe 20. And my mood is still down. I have been fighting tears for like the past hour. Because my best friend isn't sympathetic. She would just be like "Oh" And then go back to what's she's doing. I don't have anyone here to help me, if you read this please inbox me advise.