One step back, another foot forward

Eating disorders come in one size: Miserable.  

Everyday through you struggles you want to give up, but some were deep inside you there is a voice that is telling you not too, because you'll lose your best friend. Someone who makes you comfortable, tells you ways to make your self look better; on the other note it's your worst enemy, you can't focus, your ability to play a sport goes down. You don't want to leave your room. Your body image gets worse. Instead of paying attention in class your viewing other people, wondering how skinny they got. At least for me that is how everything is working at the moment. I have been writing positive affirmations of the wall, talking to people who are trying to help me. Everything has gone down hill in the past few days, I mean a dramatic change. I mean the thoughts have never went away, but the were silenced for a moment in time.  I have been feeling guilty after eating again, but I have not purged which makes me feel a lot better, that I'm not engaging in symptoms not matter how much I want to. I am struggling without the support of my therapist twice a week, and group twice a week, I grew fond to it. It made me look on the brighter side, I was finally becoming happy. Now I feel as if I need more, my depression has gotten a lot worse. And my anxiety is flared. It was so bad during my exam yesterday that my vision went blurry and I couldn't read the questions, I was one out of two who were in the class still, and that makes me feel insecure and not smart enough to be in this class. I've literally have been crying for the last two days. Tears are good and I am accepting that, I am finally letting myself feel other emotions. A lot of people are saying it's all in my head. DAMN right it is, its in my freaking brain, of course it is, but it's a mental illness not matter how much I hate that word, that is what it is. I am working on my problems once a week, as I try to get better.  I am opening up a lot more, and it's heart breaking. This topic has become very hard on me. I don't want to be one of the people who suffer who are in and out of treatment there whole life. I want the right help. I need a nutritionist or a dilation, and therapy and group settings, it will help me heal faster being around people who will help me. I want to be free like a bird, I want to sore. I don't want to have a broken wing. I am sick of feeling trapped. I want to feel like I have support were I am. I am miserable, and I don't have any confidence. Mmy body image is getting so bad to the point were I want to just wear baggy clothes again, because my stomach isn't "flat enough" Which in relitic that is what my ED is telling me in my head.. I want to be the girl who overcame her ED and became strong and helpful. Yes I am good at giving advice, I help a lot of people.  But when it comes to taking my own advice I avoid it, because I believe for me it wont happen. To all of you who suffer with ED or disordered eating, stay strong. 

 

 

loosing friends AND feeling ALONE!

 

Well, as I head into my third week at college, I have to say things are getting a lot harder. My emotions are every were, I feel like my head is spinning and doesn't know when to stop. I feel empty and lonely, I feel ashamed and insecure. I feel as if everyone is leaving me. I have a friend who hasn't responded to any of my texts, I have my best friend who I am constantly fighting with. I am alone at college. It scares me and I have no one to lean on. School isn't hard so far, I actually really like it. It puts me out of my comfort zone, and it's helping me pursue the career that I've always wanted. This summer I found myself relying on therapy twice a week and groups twice a week. I didn't want to slip up right before I went to college. Now that I am in college I am slipping up quiet a bit. I'm struggle a lot, with no one around me there to help. Because I'm used to therapy twice a week and talking about why I'm struggling helped me a lot. I felt like I was getting better. Now I get therapy maybe 1 in 3 weeks. And It is really hard for me. My brain is satisfied, it's happy I'm repeating old habits, but my heart is crushed. I am depressed, I only want to sleep and stay in my dorm. I am comparing my self to everyone and it's difficult. It's all related. My mom said it's because of the transition I am in. Feeling out of control, being on my own. This is what I was afraid of. Slipping. It's almost been a full year to wear my symptoms haven't been bad, were my suicidal idealizations have been gone. Were I haven't been isolating. Everything has come back, but the idealizations.  I have the urge to self harm, but I don't want to. So when I get those urges I call Kim. And she calms me down. Which I am thankful that she is there for. I am tearing up right now, because I feel alone. I want my friends back, I want them here to help me. I want someone around me who I can vent to. Who will help me when I fall. But I don't have that around me there. Which Is very hard.